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Colonoscopies Can Be Funny....


Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!


2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"


3. "Can you hear me NOW?"


4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"


5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."


6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"


7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."


8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"


9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!


10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."


11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"


12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."


And the best one of all..


13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

Colonoscopies are NOT funny: (Warning! Graphic Depiction)
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I had a couple of "them" ... but I didn't feel much like "talking" ... then.

Tell you a little story though ... the nurse who prep'd me, the 1st time; carefully positioned me for the procedure, and then laid the little camera thingie right by my ... uh, "crack" (medical term), whilst we waited for the Doctor to come in.

When the Doctor entered the room- he was accompanied by a host of young Medical students, who I guess, wanted to "observe".

As they entered the room they all looked directly at me laying there on the table, I smiled, and then their eyes all went to the 'monitor' screen on the wall, which was showing that exterior 'opening' part of my posterior anatomy- under a high-power magnification that revealed in all-to-clear detail every pore and wrinkle and whatever other things be present- ALL too horrible to even imagine.

That was the most disturbing 'sight'- I have ever seen on Television.

The 2nd time, they put me to 'sleep' ... I have no idea what went on.

NO....colonoscopies are anything but funny. But.....they sho nuff' beat an undetected colon cancer. Mammograms are no fun either...but the alternative is a possibility of an undetected breast cancer. SOooooo....you just gotta do it, bad as it is
You would think with the advancements in medicine that someone could invent a better, less invasive way to do those God awful tests!!! I dont know why

"What counts is where your going, not how smooth the road is."
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Could we possibly ADD "this" tag-line to the above list as #14?

(smile)

In my case, #13 sorta fits,,

Had a routine colonoscopy last summer. You definately leave your modesty at home. The prep was worse than the actual colonoscopy but only because I was knocked out(the only way to go!)

I was out when they did mine, thank God. The first one I woke up from the pain a couple of times, but not the second time.

I suppose those comments were after the procedure. Just checking the ol' coal chute doesn't require a anesthesia, but when they try to push that scope around the twists and turns in your colon, it gets ineresting.

Haven't had a colonoscopy yet � but I'll never forget the doctor's mirth when I told him, while he was tying-off the string of the "family jewels," what my friend Lloyd had said when I told him that one of my writers had written of "the desemenation of information:"

"You know, Ken, between what he said and what he meant to say, there's a vas deferens."

The doctor collapsed against a glass-fronted cabinet and held his sides with his elbows (with his bloody gloved hands waving about) until he could quit shaking. Then he chuckled and chuckled while he muttered " � there's a vas deferens � " again and again as he went back to work and finished the job. He was still chuckling as he left.

My friend Norm, telling me of his "prostrate" examination, said "What really hurt was when they shoved that catheter up my uterus."

Very Good.......

14) Doc...how come your hands are on my shoulders?

I had one done a year ago. When the Doc was about ready to do the "insertion", I told him that if he found a Hot Fudge Sundae up there he should save it for me.. He shot back saying, if I find one, it's all yours.

Any woman who has ever gone to an ob/gyn or had a mammogram knows all about leaving her modesty at home...

Penny

Haven't got scoped yet when I got my vasectomy the Dr kept telling jokes about hot dogs and onions.

I'm do in a couple of years. I & my wife had it done a day apart. We were given a drug so we wouldn't remember anything We didn't! My mother-in-law died from colon cancer that had spread. She didn't want the colonoscopy because of the thought of it! Another guy I know had the colonscopy but the doctor had trouble getting around turn so did not go all the way. He had cancer in that section!
On the lighter side. Our doctor was asked my a women who's husband was having it done " To look if his head was up there" !

I think I've read about a "virtual colonoscopy" where they use a CAT or PET scan to basically map out your guts. The software provides an animated "flying view" of the thing from here to yonder. Probably costs a fortune, but then they can also study it for problems in other areas too.

I have had a couple of colonoscopies (long scope), and one flexible sigmoidoscopy (short scope). The colonoscopy is a (relative) piece of cake compared to the flexible sig., because they medicate you for the long one, and give you nothing for the short scope. Imagine the worst gas pain cramps possible, and you can't do a thing about them. Maybe I'm a wuss, but I'll sure avoid another flexible sig. if I can get away with it.

Paul

Hee, Hee, Hee, I think I got the last laugh out of the doctor as I seem to remember something about the doctor saying thank you to me after I broke wind during the insertion of tne TV camera.

Oh HUGE dittoes to that fex sig procedure - that was the most pain I've ever experienced. Felt like I was giving birth - in reverse. NEVER gonna do that again.

I've since had the procedure where they pump you full of fluid (barium?) and slosh you around while they take lots of x-rays. That wasn't so bad, except for the short walk from the x-ray table to the john. You seriously doubt you're going to make it there before you - well, you can guess.

My "sleepytime" colonoscopy a few years later was a breeze. Get one. Abandon all modesty and realize that they aren't going to see anything they haven't seen a bazillion times - and they aren't going to remember yours. I came out clean (pardon the pun) and don't have to go back for five years at least.

15. Sir!, I don't think we have been properly introduced.

My doctor and my boss are both Puerto Rican and share a common last name.Without batting an eye my doctor said "He's my cousin" Wish I could type in the Spanish inflection. It was classic.

Talk about getting it at both ends.