I see a lot of
on the board today. That aint right folks, it aint right for a Friday!!
It aint that bad you know, to prove it I'd like to tell a survival story I know. A story of courage & perseverance...
I know this guy, who tried to... fart at work one day. He was at his desk working & he leaned over & went to rip one out & found his expelled gasses to be in the form of a liquid.
That's not good.
So, this guy, we'll call him John or something... he gets up & heads for a bathroom. There are many bathrooms in the building he works in but he knows he has some work to do... John that is.
So, he chooses the privacy of a single stall bathroom down the hall a ways from his office.
He enters, locks the door behind him.... promptly drops trou to assess the damage.
This guy, John thinks to himself, this is not good.
It aint pretty, John will tell you. So, he has a seat on the toilet as it seems he obviously has a job to finish. While sitting there he thinks about his pants, and his soiled tighty whities....
He's gotta get those tighties off.
And he's gotta be careful doing it. One problem, he's got these tall lace up hunting boots on. He's got his pants bunched around his ankles making it very difficult to unlace.
Now he knows of a technique in which 2 slices with a pocket knife made at the outside hip areas of the tighty whities can turn the tighties into a single ply man diaper which is easily removed without taking ones boots off. (he's heard of this trick... from this guy he knows...)
Well, he aint got his pocket knife on him.... He figures this shouldn't be a problem, afterall, he's a man! A tough guy, and these are just a pair of cotton briefs. He'll rip em with his bare hands.
Well, he got a tear started just below the elastic waist band which he continued on until he had simply liberated the elastic waist band from the cotton briefs....
That's ok though, he's closer now, and now he can start a tear on each side at the hip... and he does it! Success!
He carefully withdraws the torn & soiled tighties, digs a little hole in the garbage can next to him, tosses them in the garbage & covers them up.
Now he sit there wearing an elastic waist band around his hips.... He has options, the way he sees it he has 3 options. He can either simply wear the goofy elastic waist band around his hips all day hidden under his belt line (hopefully). Or, he can remove the waist band.
He chooses to remove the silly waist band. He begins battle with the band of elastic.. he is impressed with the strength!! He can not tear it, it will not rip!!
He's exhausted now from wrestling with an elastic waist band while sitting on the toilet. He sits resting... waist band slightly stretched out now but not even close to tension failure.
He's determined to remove them.... the way he sees it he can either remove the waist band by going up with it over his head or down with it out past the bundled pants around his ankles & his boots....
He chooses up (which he soon regrets)
He figures he can slide his arms under the waist band & wiggle the band upwards & over his shoulders with his arms at his side...
He soon discovers that the elbow area is the point of no return for this sort of attempt.
He keeps going but finds himself stuck, the waist band is stuck half way between his elbows & his shoulders.
He struggles, but it is no good.
He suddenly realizes the potential danger he is in. he sits locked in a single stall bathroom with his pants around his ankles & he's tied up with his own elastic waist band from the underwear in the garbage next to him...
This guy... this John, he just figured out how Elvis died on the toilet.... It makes perfectly good sense all of the sudden.
But he'll be damned if he's gonna die like Elvis!!
With one last great effort he exudes all of his upper body strength & manages to stretch the elastic band of death to the point of tension failure!! Rip! Snap!!
He is free.
Red faced & short of breath, happy to be alive... He discards of the death strap, finishes his business & returns to work.
This courageous survivor finishes the remainder of his work day without a safety net... commando, no tighties... He makes it home safe & sound & never speaks of the incident, ever.
it is his secret.
On second thought... I can't go elk hunting with you in CO. I would die laughing! 
Good attempt at injecting humor to the Campfire. 
