Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire A litttle humor?

I got these and had to share.<BR>I got this from my cousin and had to pass it along to y'all.<BR>Noah <BR>It is the year 2001 and Noah lives in the United States. <P>The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. <P>But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." <P>In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. <BR>Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. <P>"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." <P>Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. <P>The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. <P>"Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?" <P>"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah; "I did my best, but there were big problems. <P>First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. <P>I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. <P>Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. <P>Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. <P>I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. <P>I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. <P>The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union; Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. <P>When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. <P>Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. <P>Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. <P>Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! <P>The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. <P>I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft." <P>Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional.<P>I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed. <P>The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas became calm. <P>A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. <P>"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" <P>"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. <P>The government already has." <P>Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I Hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically,the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.<BR>"Two dogs, please," says she.<BR>The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'. The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"<P><P>------------------<BR><B>T LEE</B><BR>Remember: There is no such thing as OVERKILL. Just a generous margin of SAFETY! <P><B>APATHY!.........Freedoms greatest enemy!</B>

Thanks, T LEE. I needed that.<P>Doren<p>[This message has been edited by dsnoek (edited June 15, 2001).]

God called Yeltsin, Clinton, and Bill Gates to a special session (No, I don't believe that really happened. Now let me get on with the yarn).<P>"I've lost all My patience with mankind," He told 'em, "so in three days, I'm going to destroy Earth and all on it. Go tell your people to get ready."<P>"I have bad news and terrible news," Yeltsin told Russia. "The bad news is that despite all our denials, there is a God. The terrible news is that He's going to destroy us all, three days from now."<P>"I have good news and horrible news," Clinton told Hillary, his cabinet, and Monica. "The good news is that as we'd hoped, there is a God. The horrible news is that He's going to wipe us all out, in just three more days."<P>"I have great news, and I have marvelous news," Gates told the executives at Microsoft. The great news is that I've convinced God I'm one of the three most important men on the planet. The marvelous news is that we're not going to have to fix Windows 98."<BR>

Some people don't know what fire tends to do to gasoline. These people in particular ran out of gas on an abandoned road, or something like that. It was dark out, and they needed to see to put the gas into the tank. They used, of all things, a lighter to see putting the gas in the tank. I'll bet they got a quick lesson in flamability, plus they were able to see much, much better than that lighter alone could have provided. I exactly how it went, but that's the basic idea.

Thanks T LEE i needed that since i had a bad day at work. i especially liked the first one.