Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire TEXAS joke

I should probably know better than to post this here, but everyone recognizes the innate superiority of Texans anyway, so we can afford a little humor at our expense. LOL <P>THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A TEXAN SAY, NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY'VE HAD TO DRINK... <P>"Honey, we don't need another dog." <BR>"I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex." <BR>"Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken." <BR>"We don't keep firearms in the house." <BR>"No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe." <BR>"Wrasslin's fake." <BR>"Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace." <BR>"We're vegetarians." <BR>"No, I'll pass on the biscuits and gravy." <BR>"Spittin is such a nasty habit." <BR>"I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today." <BR>"Trim the fat off that steak." <BR>"The tires on that truck are too big." <BR>"I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl." <BR>"Checkmate." <BR>"Those shorts outta be a little longer, darlin'" <BR>"Nope, no more for me, I'm drivin'" <P>

CAT I only noticed one that you missed.<BR>"Naw, you can't fix that with duct tape."<BR>BCR

How kin ya tell if a Texan is married?<P><BR>Baccy stains on both of them pickup doors.

CAT, -- back in the Air Force days, squadron party, Lone Star Beer, I might have said anything, no one could remember anything except the latrine and green beer. -- no<P>------------------<BR>A hint to the wise is sufficient! Smiles are contagious, infect everyone!

One way to confuse a Texan:*<P>Talk about the midgets in your state. He won't know whether to brag that Texas has the biggest, or the smallest, midgets in the country.<P>*(I'm not makin' or takin' bets on how many ways there are.)<BR>

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-<BR>department store looking for a job.<BR> <BR>The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says,<BR>"Yeah, I<BR>was a salesman back home in Texas."<BR> <BR>Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start<BR>tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."<BR> <BR>His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the<BR>store<BR>was locked up, the boss came down.<BR> <BR>"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.<BR> <BR>The kid says, "One."<BR> <BR>The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day.<BR> <BR>How much was the sale for?"<BR> <BR>The kid says, $101,237.64."<BR> <BR>The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"<BR> <BR>The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a<BR>medium<BR>fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new<BR>fishing<BR>rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the<BR>coast,<BR>so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat<BR>department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he<BR>didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the<BR>automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."<BR> <BR>The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a<BR> <BR>boat and truck?"<BR> <BR>The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife<BR>and<BR>I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing."<BR>

There was one out several years ago about a Texan with the hot air or BS let out of him. Thought I would never forget but I slept since then. Anyone remember it, it was good party joke? -- no <P>------------------<BR>A hint to the wise is sufficient! Smiles are contagious, infect everyone!

When they die, you just pump the BS out of them and bury 'em in a matchbox.<P>2D

How do you get a six foot Texan in a three foot box?<P>Take away his ego!!!!!<P>He,He, Gotta love it.<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God, Family, Country.

We were at DFW when a plane load of midgets arrived. My 12 year old son says "look Dad, another load of Texans with all the hot air let out!"<P>Two young guys at our local country club golf every day but had never golfed together. They finally hook up one day and the transplant yank says to the Native Texan "I see you out here every day but you don't look old enough to be retired". The Native says "I had a successful business and it burned down so I took the insurance money invested it and retired". The Texan says "You're pretty young yerself...what's your story?" The yank says "I'm in a similar situation to yourself, I had a successful business destroyed by a flood and took the insurance money and retired. They play about 4 more holes and the Texan is obviously deep in thought. The Yank finally asks what's on his mind? The Texan says "How the Hell do you start a flood?"<BR>

Here's one I heard when I was a kid.<P>A Texan was visiting an aquaintance at at restaurant in Oklahoma. He begins bragging about the size of his ranch, and say's, "I can get in my truck in the morning, and it will take me all day to drive accross my ranch." The Oklahoman, replied "Yeah, I know what you mean. I have a truck like that too."<P>Mark.

Gettin better all the time! Don't quit now, Oklahoma or Kalifornia next. -- no<P>------------------<BR>A hint to the wise is sufficient! Smiles are contagious, infect everyone!

A friend of mine claims most Texans are just Mexicans that didn't make it to New Mexico or Oklahoma and the rest are left over Yankee carpet baggers from the civil war. Thats what he say's anyway.:} <P>Does anybody know if thats true or not?

SURVIVOR - TEXAS STYLE !!<P>It is rumored that Mark Brunett, the highly successful producer of the hit Primetime TV show "Survivor" is seriously comtemplating a twist on his already smash hit formula....<P>"SURVIVOR - TEXAS STYLE" will pit six teams of 2 against each other in a race around Texas. Teams will start in Galveston, head north to Dallas, on to Houston, then over to Lubbock and finally finishing the marathon in Austin.<P>Oh, by the way, each team will be driving a pink VW Beetle with a bumper sticker that reads, "We're gay, we voted for Gore and we're here to take your guns away!"<P>First team to make it to Austin alive, wins!<P>GrayDawg<P>------------------<BR>May all your dog's points be productive & may your lead avoid all timber...

Not that these are specifically texas jokes but I found them to be very funny...<P>Have you heard about the new divorced Barbie? She comes with ALL of Ken's things<P><BR>Do you know the definition of mixed emotions?<BR>Your mother in law going over a cliff in your brand new truck with your favorite rifle in the back window....<P><BR>Toons<P>PS - I know they were terrible but at least they are funnyLOL <P>------------------<BR>Don't be ashamed to say what you are not ashamed to think.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Arial" size="2">Originally posted by GrayDawg:<BR><B>SURVIVOR - TEXAS STYLE !!<P>It is rumored that Mark Brunett, the highly successful producer of the hit Primetime TV show "Survivor" is seriously comtemplating a twist on his already smash hit formula....<P>"SURVIVOR - TEXAS STYLE" will pit six teams of 2 against each other in a race around Texas. Teams will start in Galveston, head north to Dallas, on to Houston, then over to Lubbock and finally finishing the marathon in Austin.<P>Oh, by the way, each team will be driving a pink VW Beetle with a bumper sticker that reads, "We're gay, we voted for Gore and we're here to take your guns away!"<P>First team to make it to Austin alive, wins!<P>GrayDawg<P></B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wanna bet NOBODY wins that one!<BR>

Know what keeps Texas from sliding into the Gulf?<P>Oklahoma SUCKS.

How did Oklahoma get settled?<P>At the Red River there is a sign that says TEXAS. Those that could read kept going south those that couldn't stoped.<P>BCR