Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Some things can NEVER be foregiven!!!

<BR> Dear Abby,<P>I am a sailor in the US Coast Guard. My parents live in the suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.<P>My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, one who is currently<BR>serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children.<P>I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.<P>However her time there is limited, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the king manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be<BR>interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the street, and hopefully the heroin...<P>Abby, my problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally<BR>honest with her....<P>Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Gore?<P>Signed,<P>Worried About My Reputation

Alright Tex, since you started this joke thread I'll add one too:<P><BR>> A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,<BR>> looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his<BR>> sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is<BR>> watching you."<P>> He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.<BR>> When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised<BR>> himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and<BR>> began searching for more valuables.<P>> Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear<BR>> as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."<P>> Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the<BR>> source of the voice.<P>> Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a<BR>> parrot.<P>> "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.<P>> "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."<BR>><BR>> The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"<P>> "Moses," replied the bird.<P>> "Moses?", the burglar laughed.<P>> "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."<P>> "The same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."<BR>

I always knew Texans were sick! Good joke!

One night a woman wakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed with her. Mad she stomps throughout the house looking for him so she can gripe at him again. Upon entering the kitchen she hears a whimpering sound coming from the basement. Intrigued she walked into the basement and found her husband curled up in a little ball crying his eyes out. "what is this all about she demanded?". The man looks up at his wife and says "remember when your father caught us having sex and gave me a choice to marry you and make an honest woman out of you or spend the next 20 years in jail?" "Yes, so what?" said the wife. The poor man looked and said "I would have been paroled today" LOL<BR><P>------------------<BR>Don't be ashamed to say what you are not ashamed to think.

A man is driving his new Porsche when he notices a police car trying to pull him over. He tries to get away, thinking he can outrun him. Realising that he can't, he pulls over. The policeman comes to the window and say's "It's the end of my shift and I really don't want the paperwork, so if you can give me a good reason for what you did, I'll let you go with a warning." The man thinks for a moment, then replies,"My wife and I split up. She ran off with a policeman. I thought it was you, trying to give her back." The policeman says,"Have a nice day."

<BR>George Carlin's Theory <P>The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you<BR>live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating ... and you<BR>finish off as an orgasm.<P>------------------<BR>Deja Moo - The feeling I've heard this B.S. before?<P>Apologies to Pete Millan for stealing his signature.

Here, I got a good one.<BR>There was a young 15 year old boy who was going to visit a young girl. He got some advice off a friend on what to do and the friend told him, "Go down to the drugstore and buy a bunch of condoms. Old Willy will give them to you cheap, no questions asked."<BR>He went down to the pharmicist and asked for a family pack of condoms (he thought he would be getting a lot). Then later that evening he went to visit the girl.<BR> They were having a meal and this boy was asked to pray. He folded his hands and silently began to pray. Ten minutes passed, then twenty.<BR> FInally his girlfriend leaned over and said, "I didn't know you were so reverent." The boy quickly whispered back, "I didn't know your father was a pharmicist."<BR> <BR>I got this joke screwed up a bit. I received it on my email, but had to delete it to save space.

Here is another joke in better taste that I can copy off my email.<P>Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "I know everybody there is to know. Just name them and I know them.<BR>The boss, calling his bluff, said, "Ok, you know everybody. DO you know TOm Cruise?"<BR>"Sure, Tom and I are old friends and I can proove it."<BR>SO Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood to meet them. He knocks on his door. Sure enough, TOm Cruise answers saying, "Hey Bubba, It's great to see you. Why don't you and your friend come in for a little while?"<P>Although impressed, his boss is still very skeptical. He tells Bubba his knowing Cruise was just luck.<BR>"No, name anybody and I know them."<BR>"President Bush." his boss quickly retorts.<BR>"Sure," says Bubba, "lets fly out to Washington to meet him."<BR>And so they go there. President Bush spots them on the White House tour and pulls them aside.<BR>"Bubba, what a surprise to see you. I was about to go to a staff meeting, but you and your friend come on in and have a cup of coffee. We have some catching up to do."<P>Well, the boss is still very shaken and a little skeptical as they leave the White House. He expresses his doubts once again to Bubba, who again implores him to name anybody.<P>"The Pope." says his boss.<BR>"Sure. I've known the Pope a long time."<BR>And so they fly off to Rome to see Vatican City.<BR>As they are assembled in the square, Bubba says, "This will never work here. I can't catch his eye amongst all these people. I'll tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me go and I'll be out on the balcony with the Pope." SO Bubba disappears amonst all the masses heading toward the Vatican.<BR>Sure enough, a half hour later, Bubba emerges on the balcony with the Pope.<P>But when he returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. He works his way to his boss and asks him what happened.<BR>His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fineuntil you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the guy next to me asked 'Who's that up there on the balcony with Bubba?'"

And then there's the one about Bubba goin into the store and asking for a 12 pac of Bud Lite. Clerk looks at him and says "you got any I.D.?" Bubba says "'Bout What?"<P>------------------<BR>Keep off the Ridgeline!

<BR>A farmer was called to serve on jury duty. During the questioning of<BR>prospective jurors the prosecuting attorney asked the farmer if he could<BR>convict someone on circumstantial evidence. The farmer responded, "No<BR>way in hell could I do that!!". The attorney asked why he was so<BR>adamant in his answer. He replied that he once had a very bad<BR>experience with circumstantial evidence. The attorney asked him to<BR>explain.<P>"Well sir", the farmer began, "I was out in the barn milking ole' Bessie<BR>one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk pail with<BR>her right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and underwear, so I<BR>took them off, rinsed them out in the water trough and hung them out to<BR>dry.<P>Then, I got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the floor. I sat<BR>back down and starting milking again and the silly cow kicked over the<BR>pail with her left front foot. So I tied that one down to the floor as<BR>well. She then proceeded to kick over the pail with each of her back<BR>feet so I tied both of them to the floor...<P>Well, I thought I things were under control until she whipped her tail<BR>around<BR>and slapped me right in the face. Very annoyed at her antics, I moved<BR>my stool behind her, stood up on it, and as I was in the process of<BR>tying her tail to one of the rafters, wearing nothing but my T-shirt and<BR>boots, my wife walked into the barn!! .....No Sir!! I do not believe in<BR>Circumstantial Evidence.<P>Talker

As long as we are telling lawyer jokes:<P>A young lawyer, having just passed the bar exam, decided to open his own practice. He rents some space in a little office building and orders his necessary equipment--water cooler, photo copier, etc.<P>As he is sitting at his desk day-dreaming, he hears footsteps coming down the hall. Thinking it might be his first client, he wants to give the impression that he knows what he is doing. He quickly grabs the telephone and begins to pretend to have a heated conversation with someone at the other end just as the door opens.<P>"Well we're not paying you one penny more than we offered!! You either take our offer or get ready for me to file a dozen motions in District Court! I will have you so buried in paperwork you won't be able to see the light of day from your office window!! You've got one hour to decide!" And he slams down the phone. He looks up at the man standing before him. "I am sorry about that," the lawyer says, "What can I do for you?"<P>The man in front of the desk, with a twinkle in his eye, says,"I'm from the phone company. I'm here to hook up your phone."

A fellow went to a doctor whotold him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked the pastor if there was anything he could do. "What you should do is go out and buy a late '70s or early '80s model Dodge Pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourself an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma." The fellow asked,"Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever.".......deadeye

Doctor joke:<P>Guy goes to see the doc. Says, "Doc, I don't know what's wrong. When I touch my knee, it hurts. I touch my elbow, it hurts. It hurts when I touch my head. Doesn't matter what part I my body I touch, it hurts."<P>The doc says, "Wow this is too much for me, I am going to have you see a specialist and then come back." The guy goes to the specialist and then does the follow-up appointment with the first doc.<P>The doc says, "So what did the specialist find out about you?" The guy looks at the doc, holds up his casted first finger and says, "My finger is broke."<P>Wade

A dietician is addressing the crowd at an assisted-living center. He is telling them about all the toxins we ingest during our lives.<BR>Doc- "You all know what a Coke will do to a nail in a couple of days, it does the same to your stomach lining. Liquor will tear your liver up if used every day." All the old folks nodded in agreement. The Doc continued, "but do any of you folks know the number one thing that if eaten, will wear and tear on your body the rest of your life?" A 75 year old man in the second row stood up and said, "wedding cake!"

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole herd keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way the regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine, and thats why you always feel smarter after a few beers. <P>------------------<BR>kootz

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better" he replies. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think of that?" The Doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. A guy I know is an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidently grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM!! The beaver drops dead in front of him. "That's impossible" says the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have shot that beaver".......The Doctor says, "Exactly.".......deadeye

A man and his wife are coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.<P>Feeling romantic, she suggests that they recreate their honeymoon. She says, "we'll rent the same hotel room in NY, have the same brand of Champagne in bed, and.......you know."<P>He says," sounds wonderful, honey, with just one small change."<P>"What's That?" she asks.<P>"This time it will be me who locks myself in the bathroom and hollers, "It's too big, it's too big."

I'll bring this up to the top for all the newer members that missed out on all the fun. [img]images/icons/laugh.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/laugh.gif" border="0[/img]

Attention Visitors: Montana Tourism Council Bulletin: <P>This list of rules will be handed to each person as they enter the state. <P>1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than <BR>you'll do all week at the gym. He doesn't need your respect, but he sure <BR>as hell deserves it. <BR> <BR>2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're <BR>going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four-wheel drive because I need <BR>it. Drive it or get it out of the way. <BR> <BR>3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, <BR>we saw Bambi. We got over it. <BR> <BR>4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your <BR>butt kicked...by our women. <BR> <BR>5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a <BR>flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little <BR>13-inch trout you fish for...bait. <BR> <BR>6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. <BR> <BR>7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their <BR>final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to <BR>your ear at the time. <BR> <BR>8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what <BR>you paid in the airport. <BR> <BR>9. The Vikings and the Twins are as important here as the Lakers and the <BR>Knicks...and a dang sight more fun to watch. <BR> <BR>10. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order <BR>it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of <BR>ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two <BR>packets of sugar and a long spoon. <BR> <BR>11. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over <BR>ice. <BR> <BR>12. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We <BR>have quarter of a million dollar combine that we drive two weeks a year. <BR> <BR>13. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop <BR>when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. <BR> <BR>14. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, <BR>you're a feminist. Isn't that cute? <BR> <BR>15. Yeah, we eat walleye, and northern pike too. You really want <BR>sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop. <BR> <BR>16. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it?<BR>Interstate 94 goes two ways, I-15 goes the other two. Pick one. <P>17. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a <BR>religious holiday held the third Saturday in October. You can get <BR>breakfast at the church. <BR> <BR>18. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. <BR>Try to understand the concept. <BR> <BR>19. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks <BR>the fish. <BR> <BR>20. Yes, we shoot the doves. They're songbirds. They taste delicious! <BR> <BR>Now, enjoy your visit and then go home.

big hunter remided me or a good one.<P>A boy went to a drugstore buy some condoms for the first time. When he got to the checkout counder the casher tells him it will be $2.99 plus 15 cents for tax. The boy said "taxs! I was wundering how you got them to stay on."