Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Start of the Irish jokes.

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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.



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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

Groan.......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Why did Paddy keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge?



in case he fancied a black coffee............ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

Here's an Irish joke that's one of my favorites:


Q: What's green, and stays out all night?















































A: Patio Furniture.

Two brothers come over from Ireland. They land in New York. As they are walking down the street, they see a billboard for Milk of Magnesia. The sign says "Will make you feel young again."

One brother turns to the other and says, "Sure now, Sean. See there? They have invented the tonic of everlasting youth!"

"Yes Seamus," replied Sean. "'Tis a wonderful land we found!"

The next week the two brothers are talking.

"So Seamus," opened Sean, "How has your new tonic worked?"

"Sean," replied his brother. "I took a spoonful of that stuff, and it did nothing for me. I felt no different. So I took another, and then another. I finally downed the whole thing."

"So it was worthless?"

"Not exactly." replied his brother. "Seamus, I feel no different than before, but that tonic has me doing things I've scarecly done since I was a baby!"

A true classic is the Bricklayer Song. It's been sung by many different people over the years and is known by many different titles, but here are the lyrics:

Dear Sir I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
For at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey
And I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today.

Whilst working on the fourteenth floor,some bricks I had to clear
To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn't very pleased, the bloody awkward sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladders in my hod.

Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well the barrel broke my shoulder, as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head
I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain
When half way down, I met the bloody barrel once again.

The force of this collision, half way up the office block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel scattered round.

I lay there groaning on the ground I thought I'd passed the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel then being heavier then started down once more
And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor
It broke three ribs, and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.

You can listen to the song here:
The Bricklayer Song

Here's a site that claims that Saint Patrick is just a ripoff from an earlier Finnish saint-- the Irish stole the whole thing:

Saint Urho

Sean had an attack of conscience after doing a bit o' work for the IRA. He went to Father Murphy for confession.

"Bless me Father for I have sinned."
"And was it mortal or venial me son?"
"Venial, Father."
"And what have ye done my son?"
"Last night I destroyed a mile of railroad track, Father"
"Ah, me son, tis a grevious thing ye done. The Good Lord is understandin' though. As pennance just go an' do the station."




BCR

My kind of Irishman! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pat would upon occasion come home late at night and smelling strongly of beer. Maggie was willing to put up with this except for the fact that he invariably would violently expell the contents of his stomach into her kitchen sink. She repeatedly berated him, claiming that one night he would puke his guts out if he kept this up. Finally, one night when she had just cleaned a couple of chickens, an idea came to her. She left the innards in the sink, realizing that Pat would not notice them until after he had made use of the sink. Sure enough, she heard him crash through the door, followed by the familiar sound of him divesting himself of the eveing's intake. The next morning she was at the stove when an ashen-faced and very contrite-looking Pat poured himself a cup of coffee. "Well," she inquired, "why do you look so stricken this morning." Pat replied, "Maggie, what you warned me about actually happened last night. I puked my guts out right there in the sink." Maggie replied, "It's a wonder that you're alive then." To this Pat somberly answered, "Well by the grace of God and with the help of a long-handled spoon, I got them all back down."

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"

Guinness

After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

A few I just got by email:

Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman, "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

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Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the I! Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."
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Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died!"

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 - !"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles............... from Dublin!"

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--Mike

I dated one of those Irish girl for awhile. Anytime someone would ask if she..., I replied: "I wish".

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? To a different bar.