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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 86,343 Likes: 33
Campfire Oracle
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OP
Campfire Oracle
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 86,343 Likes: 33 |
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted motorcycle part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise, used mainly for getting dog [bleep] off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-I NCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at H-D, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50� part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
If you take the time it takes, it takes less time. --Pat Parelli
American by birth; Alaskan by choice. --ironbender
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Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,415
Campfire Regular
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Campfire Regular
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,415 |
Excellent.....I can relate.
Elwood
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,030
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,030 |
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Oh, how I can relate!
Jeff
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 4,929
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 4,929 |
I laughed at more than a few of those. Been there, done that for most of them.
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 6,790
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 6,790 |
howlllll !!!!!! good stuff. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Jeff
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 16,916
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 16,916 |
tightened 58 years ago by someone at H-D, and neatly rounds off their heads.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
...and that would be the first year for the panhead.Fortuneately by the time my 67 FLH was built that idiot was either fired or retired. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 21,828 Likes: 3
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 21,828 Likes: 3 |
"HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short."
Way to close to home. . . . . . .
BMT
"The Church can and should help modern society by tirelessly insisting that the work of women in the home be recognized and respected by all in its irreplaceable value." Apostolic Exhortation On The Family, Pope John Paul II
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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 129
Campfire Member
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Campfire Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 129 |
Snap-ring plyers; a tool for launching retaining rings far out into the grass. Ref: Jesus clips. That's what you say when they vanish!
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 860
Campfire Regular
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Campfire Regular
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 860 |
I can relate, I usually find that the tool that I want is no where to be found, so I improvise. Ever try hammering a nail with a 16" pipe wrench? Probably left my hammer under the sink....
One way of contrasting science and dogma is to say that a scientist accepts facts as given and belief systems as tentative, whereas a dogmatist accepts the belief system as given; facts are irrelevant. (McCain and Segal)
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