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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 73,096
Campfire Kahuna
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OP
Campfire Kahuna
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 73,096 |
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE! PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN. 1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. 4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. 15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. 18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE. 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES. 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN. 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. 25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY. Aren't kids great?!
George Orwell was a Prophet, not a novelist. Read 1984 and then look around you!
Old cat turd!
"Some men just need killing." ~ Clay Allison.
I am too old to fight but I can still pull a trigger. ~ Me
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 5,828
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 5,828 |
Answer # 19 is more like Rodrigo Boriga aka Pope Alexander the 6th of that name!
"Any idiot can face a crisis,it's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
Anton Chekhov
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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 12,806
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 12,806 |
"HOLY ACRIMONY"
Islam is a terrorist organization.
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 18,005
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 18,005 |
"WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER."
"I'm gonna have to science the schit out of this." Mark Watney, Sol 59, Mars
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 14,999
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 14,999 |
The Mayans had it right. If you�re going to predict the future, it�s best to aim far beyond your life expectancy, lest you wind up red-faced in a bunker overstocked with Spam and ammo.
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 22,274
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 22,274 |
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
oh damn
"...the designer of the .270 Ingwe cartridge!..."
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 56,154 Likes: 13
Campfire Kahuna
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Campfire Kahuna
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 56,154 Likes: 13 |
Laffin' 17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. Betcha that's true.
I am..........disturbed.
Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass. -Twain
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 7,821
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 7,821 |
�Nothing is so permanent as a temporary government program." -- Milton Friedman
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 38,886 Likes: 4
Campfire 'Bwana
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Campfire 'Bwana
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 38,886 Likes: 4 |
Laffin' 17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. Betcha that's true. Probably designed by Rube Goldberg.
Not a real member - just an ordinary guy who appreciates being able to hang around and say something once in awhile.
Happily Trapped In the Past (Thanks, Joe)
Not only a less than minimally educated person, but stupid and out of touch as well.
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 2,327
Campfire Regular
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Campfire Regular
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 2,327 |
LOL !
Gloria In Excelsis Deo!As far as gear goes.. The poorer (or cheaper) you are, the tougher you need to be. gpopecustomknives.com
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 8,852
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 8,852 |
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
This would be interesting.
Adversity doesn't build character, it reveals it.
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 38,886 Likes: 4
Campfire 'Bwana
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Campfire 'Bwana
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 38,886 Likes: 4 |
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
This would be interesting. A prickly situation.
Not a real member - just an ordinary guy who appreciates being able to hang around and say something once in awhile.
Happily Trapped In the Past (Thanks, Joe)
Not only a less than minimally educated person, but stupid and out of touch as well.
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 34,261
Campfire 'Bwana
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Campfire 'Bwana
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 34,261 |
Don't vote knothead, it only encourages them. Anonymous
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups." Anonymous
"Self-reliance, free thinking, and wealth is anathema to both the power of the State and the Church." Derby Dude
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 29,348
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 29,348 |
"Johann Sebastian Bach had 13 children. He practiced on a spinster in the attic."
"Good enough" isn't.
Always take your responsibilities seriously but never yourself.
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 4,210
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 4,210 |
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY. I have not had a boring day since marriage so I know this is wrong
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,642
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,642 |
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