My wife and I have to head back East tomorrow. My SIL unexpectedly passed away two weeks ago and we have her funeral to attend. The unknown of the trip is who is coming back. She had an 11yr old son whose father has never met him and will need somewhere to live. His father has said that he wants custody, but the boy doesn't want to go with him. Not sure he will even show to be honest. I'm certainly not into denying a father his child, but it's hard to say what's right for him at the moment. Our nephew knows us and his cousins, and has said he would like to live with us for now. He's a good kid and I want the best for him. Should be an interesting trip. Wish me luck!

I hope it works for the best for all. One of life's tough spots, I'd say.

Good luck with that.

Sure doesn't sound easy in any way.

I’m sorry for the pain and uncertainty that young man is likely feeling right now. He’s lucky to have family that cares enough to ensure that he’ll be taken care of and loved like he deserves. I’ll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck on your journey.

Sounds to me like the best thing for him is to be with you and your wife since dad was never in the picture to begin with, hopefully it works out the best for all involved.

Your family sounds like the support he needs right now. God bless him and you for being there for him. Safe trip.

^^^This^^^

Good luck and Prayers for your family!

He needs somebody that will be there for him. Someone he can trust to show him how to grow up to me an honorable man. I really feel badly for the little fella. Good luck with everything.Let us know what happens!

Some friendly advice.

Hire a family lawyer in the venue where the boy lives asap to explore the boy's options.

Some states allow the child depending on their age to have substantial input into the process.

If the dad is a bum and you are lawyered up, dad may give up without even trying.

Always to be prepared with a plan going into a potential conflict like this and understand what is possible and what is not.

Sorry for the boy, but glad he has at least one person in the world that cares for him. Good for you and your wife for having an open heart.

I'd just add that maybe the 'father' slowly work his way in to his sons life.

Wow! Good luck with that!

I have the greatest sympathy for that young man. I cannot imagine the fear and uncertainty in his life right now.

It would be nerly impossible to keep then boy from his father's custody at this age, if the father is an upstanding citizen, and if he really wants the boy.

If the Dad is any kind of man, he will want the boy. And he will keep you guys as the deceased Mom's family in the picture. Hopefully a shared custody can be arranged.

Best wishes and good luck to all the bereaved.

We're meeting with a family lawyer on Thursday and should have some answers I hope. It'll all work out one way or the other and if he ends up here, we'll take good care of him. That's all we can do.

Oh man! That’s a tough spot for everyone involved. Hold your wife tight. She’s going to need the support. You will as well.

You’re good folks. Wish ya luck.

Wow. I feel for that boy. To be thrown into a living arrangement with a stranger after losing his Mom would be horrible. I hope you can work it out to take him and as someone else said, maybe slowly let the Dad into his life if he's not a complete POS.

My condolences on the loss of your SIL.

Good on you for being willing to take on the boy. fight like hell for that boy.

Best of luck. I hope it works out for the young man's best future.
Will send some prayers his way.
7mm

X2!

Good advice here.

FWIW, my maternal grand father, raised, or helped to raise 8 or 9 kids, in addition to his own 9 kids, during the Depression, on a coal miner's salary. Everyone worked. Everyone wore hand-me-down clothes. They ate what was put on the table. And they all grew up to be stable productive adults.

At the end of the day, your nephew needs a stable, caring home life. Food on the table. A roof over his head. And someone to be there to guide him and watch out for him. Prayer lifted that you have the opportunity to do so...

Shiit man... Tough deal, wonder what age they'll let a child choose who\where they wanna go\be with?? Luck man.

sad parm. hope it works out in your way

Damn, that’s tough. Being raised by two good parents and wife and I doing same for our two, it’s hard to imagine.
Don’t know why the father has not met his 11 yo son. If by his choice, that’s pretty telling.

Lawyer. Before you act.

Hard to being to even guess what's best without knowing something of the circumstances.

For a father to never have met his child seems unusual if in fact he knew the child existed.

^^^^This in spades^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The kid is lucky that he has you guys, I wish the best for all involved. My condolences, it’s not easy losing a sister and a mother.

Dad may be fine...sTay open minded...if there was a divorce many times mom has nothing nice to say about dad..the kid grows up thinking dad is no good...it happened to my brother and the kids never figured it out till they were older...he probbly di serves a chance..

Good luck!!

If the father of the boy has never met him I have to ask did he pay your SIL child support all these years?

I suspect not. Which tells me a lot about his character.

The boy is much better off with you and your wife. If that's what the boy wants I'd fight for him.

FWIW - the wife and I took in two kids when their parents (our good friends) were killed in a murder/suicide. We never officially adopted them, the grandparents refused to allow it, but we raised them in our home for many years. Now, 20 years later, both of those kids are grown and married with little children of their own and they call us Grammy and Grandpa.

this

far too often dad's are demonized and refused contact with there kids. If I didn't have family support and a good lawyer, my ex would have done anything to keep me from my kids.

It's obvious you've got both your heart, and your head, in the right place. Godspeed to you all.

FC

Well after 26hrs of traveling, we finally made it home at about 3am today with an extra kiddo in tow. Got him all registered for school then getting some school supplies. I didn't think a short trip could be so long! After the dust settles it's time to go caribou hunting. I'm ready to get out and have some fun!

Good for everyone concerned!

Glad that worked out!

Seek council--
Child custody can be a real problem

We met with a lawyer in Maine, now going to meet with one here. The father who hasn't even met the boy, never showed up. He's not even on the birth certificate. Everything is moving along as best as it can at the moment.

Good luck, I hope he grows into a fine man.

Kudos to you for taking the boy on, I'll guarantee you he will never forget. I'm damn proud of you!

Good on you 2 for stepping up and helping the young lad out from a bad situation.Speaks volumes of you+ the Mrs' charactor
Keep his mind busy so he doesn't dwell on the negatives he's been thru.

My hat’s off toy you and your wife. I can’t imagine a much greater responsibility one could assume than raising another’s child.

He'll stay busy with my two boys. We'll get him into some sports or whatever he wants to do. He'll definitely have more opportunities than he did before.

I have a sh~t ton of hunting and fishing gear , knives , boots, cloths and the likes, just say the word on what sizes and needs you have, and I will pack up a box and ship it to you, I know kids need love, but they need stuff too. Congratulations !

Just seeing this. Good on you all.

Thanks for the generous offer but that's one area that I have covered! I have tons of gear for me and the boys, and usually buy a year or so ahead for the kids when stuff is on sale. Don't want to be competing with the masses right before the season!

Sounds like the 24HCF wants to adopt him.

Best of luck to you up there on the caribou hunt.

He's never been around much hunting or fishing, so I'll break him slowly. I need to get him out fishing for silvers though. That's always a good time! We've got a herd of .22s for him to start on at the range. Hopefully he enjoys it like my boys do.

you're a good man.

Kudos and good luck to you!

Good for you!!

I see some good natured competition coming!

I’m sure you’re prepared to use water balloons, ping pong balls, whatever to make it more fun.

Y’all are good folks p-tarm.

I truly hope that all will be willing to do what is best for him.
Sounds like it is bad enough now losing his mother and only parent at that age.
Read on down after original post, good for you and your wife.
I assume there are still final legal system hoops to jump through.
Young man is going to have some adjustment issues so patience will be a virtue here.
All will work out in the end!

Reading stories like this make this place worthwhile.

Ptarmigan, God bless you and your new family member. You are doing an extraordinary thing by your selfless act of love and by doing so you’re literally changing one young man’s life for the better. I’m sure that when you’re old and gray you’ll look back and thank God for blessing you with the privilege of being a dad to a fatherless boy.

To paraphrase Ronald Reagan........”Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, Mr. & Mrs. Ptarmigan don't have that problem.” 😁

There is a higher being that usually manages these issues for the best in the long run.

For that I"ll pray. And for the family, and friends, thoughts prayers and condolences.

Safe travels.

Well already having two boys, 13 and 10 in the house, I've had practice at patience! Haha! It's a major adjustment for all of us but it'll work out, just have to give things a little time. I think it would be harder if we brought a girl into the mix. I figure within a month or two it should be back to the thunderdome like I'm used to with my two boys. Then I know it's going good!

Kid hit the lotto man. Great to hear you had the means and ability to carry out this plan. That boy gets to grow up in Alaska now.


Clyde

Righteous Ptar !

A month or two?

That kid is in a whole new world. His mother is dead. Did he have a father figure, a male role model? So much of who we are for life is put in place by age five.

What household rules does he take for granted? If he becomes lonely, lost and depressed while you guys are whooping it up in the woods assuming he is having the same sort of experience you and your sons are who can he vent on?

Your “thunderdome as usual” is a completely alien world to that kid, specific to you, your wife and your sons.

It’ll be a year at least before you know how it’s working out.

Good on you and your wife Ptarm!

The kid is lucky to have you two and your boys to grow up with.

Most of the larger thing in life are a total leap of faith. Mearl Haggard had a plaque on the wall. "Life is fragile, handle with prayer".

Hope things keep going your way.

Glad you had a safe trip.

You are making some crazy wild assumptions there. And quite frankly your tone is rather condescending.

Granted, doesn't sound like the boy had a traditional upbringing, but it's not like he is moving in with a foster family or strangers. I would think the man has made these decisions with his eyes wide open.


JMO

Clyde

Ptarmigan you're a good man. Never for a minute underestimate how big an impact you can and will have on this young man's life.

When I was a 12, an older cousin and her husband were in a car accident. They had four kids. The two older kids, both girls, were in school and the two boys were with the mom and dad. Their dad was killed in the accident and the mom was hospitalized for six months. The youngest boy, barely a year old, was pretty badly injured in the wreck and spent a month in the hospital. He ended up living with his grandparents closer The older boy (2 1/2) and the two girls came to live with us for almost 7 months. They were 1rst and 3rd grade at the time. We went from 7 around the table at dinner to 10. And it wasn't unusual to have a friend or two over any given night, so 12 at the table wasn't uncommon.

Fast forward 48 years and the two girls, now grown women with kids in college, are sitting with me at the reception after my Dad's funeral and both telling me how much it meant to them that we took them in during that time. We did lots of crying reminiscing about those times. In fact it chokes me up to think about it today. All these years later those seven months left good memories and a life long lasting impression with both the girls.

What you are doing goes well beyond than what my mom and dad did for our cousins. You are doing a great thing. I pray God blesses you richly.

[u][/u]Clyde, how many kids have you taken into your family? The three exchange students we had don’t really count. But the two separate 17 y old high school guys we took in for a year in one case and 18 months in the other come a bit closer, but 17 is a world apart from 11.

Closer in age at the time we’re the four kids my sister adopted from an orphanage in Eastern Europe.

Over teaching prob’ly 3,000+ high school kids over the decades I have seen about every living situation you can imagine.

I think Ptarmigan is doing what we all would like to think we would do under those circumstances, acting in the best interests of a child at considerable time and trouble to himself.

Anything could happen, but to suggest in two months it’ll be back to business as usual is the wildest assumption I’ve seen on this thread.

The boy has lost his mom, she is dead. If she was a decent mother, damn right there’s gonna be a profound grieving process for that kid, in many ways he cannot readily articulate. OTOH If she sucked as a mom, there’s gonna be a whole set of worse developmental issues.

If nothing else, that kid has grown up with the knowledge that his own biological father wanted nothing to do with him, nor is there any mention of anyone else having stepped up into that role. I’ve seen hundreds of kids like that, including my own son who was five when I arrived on the scene, and it almost always has consequences. Now for this kid there’s suddenly a strong and nurturing father figure, but with two boys of his own, all that is gonna have to work it’s way out.

Whatever the circumstance, the boy presumably was an only child, now he ain’t, now he’s an orphan moving in with someone else’s family, well meaning as they are. Now there’s two other boys to deal with as well and they with him. All of this will take time.

Hopefully all of this turns out great for everyone, for three of my sister’s kids and my own son it did, but it ain’t gonna be simple, and however it turns out it’s gonna take at LEAST a year, prob’ly more, until a new “business as usual” begins to appear.

My point was that he will become more like a brother to my two boys (whom he's known his whole life), and with that comes arguing, playing hard, and doing stuff that brothers do. Hence the thunderdome comment. Sorry a couple of you assumed I meant otherwise.

No worries, you’re doing a God’s and honorable thing, and setting an example for all of them 😎

Just a follow up. Our nephew is doing great, no problems at all. It’s kinda strange to me but I think his life before was so out of whack and unstructured that he’s enjoying things now. He has two brothers to play with, a mom/aunt that cares and stays on top of things, and a dad/uncle that’s home every night. He’s part of the family now and is treated as such. He’s got chores, gets reprimanded when called for, praises when he earns it, and gets all the support as if he’s one of ours. He likes to eat wild game and fish, and wants to hunt and go fishing with us. I think the new normal is gonna be ok.

Good on you for making his life what it should have been. Condolences on the passing but thats over and is what it is.

Great to hear and good on you! I think kids know when they have parents that choose to be parents vs. parents that have to be parents. Sounds like the kid actually got a good break in life!

Ain't just fish, that take to structure.

Ptarmigan: Stay strong - hope all goes well in your travels and the settling of the childs situation.
Good luck.
Hold into the wind
VarmintGuy

Boundaries are a kid's friend. Wild nephews absolutely LOVED visiting us, because they knew EXACTLY what they could, and could not, do.
Around here, the limits were constant - not constantly changing, as in their own households.

May God bless all of you.

Ptarmigan, God bless you for caring for a child. That was a terrible journey for the kid but getting into your care probably saved him from a life lacking in accomplishment. Love and boundaries are some of the best gifts a child can ever receive.

Good news. You and your wife are honorable folks.