Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Random ex-GF funnies from the past

CFVA just reminded me of another funny tale.

I met a girl in high school and we had decided that it was time to go out on a date. I went to her home to pick her up and it was in a nice new part of town. There were several vehicles at her place so I parked on the street, walked across the lawn, up the stairs and rang the door bell. I met her mother, who was a nice looking lady. She offered to show me their home, which was magnificent and she was quite proud of. We walked through the down stairs, making a large loop to a set of back stairs, where we went to view the top floor. Everything was done in real wood, light colored carpet, and super fixtures. I was amazed at the sites I was seeing. We travelled through some nice bedrooms and offices. We even went into some hidden rooms upstairs. There were theater style light ropes that would light sequentially when you got to stairs, closet lights turned on automatically. Everything was pretty well laid out. When the tour was over, we ended up back at the front entry way, coming down the front stairs. I was halfway down the stairs when I heard her mother scream out loud..." OH GOD!!! WHO STEPPED IN THE DOG [bleep]!!!"

There was a nice set of size 15 tracks through most of the house!

The bright side is things didnt really work out and I only had to go back for a few more visits!

My adventures in the bizarro world of "dating".

So ..............

We decide to go back to her place. Turns out "Sybil" is a care giver with a elderly live-in patient residing in one of the two bedrooms in her smallish apartment. She didn't want her roommate to become upset with the fact that she drug me home for a romp in the hay so she doses grannny up with an extra sleeping pill. And just to be clear, this was her idea - not mine.

After giving granny a little time for the drugs to kick in we start fooling around and before we get too hot and heavy I need to hit the head. As I start to enter the bathroom she says "Before you go in there I need to tell you something. There's one part of me that isn't real"

WTF???????????

I go into full fuggin' panic mode at this point. I'm thinking to myself "What kind of horrible medical device am I going to find in the bathroom? Maybe it's something grotesque like colostomy bag".

My mind races trying to remember ...... two hands - yep ... two feet - yep ... two boobs - yep.

"I can't think of any parts that looked fake". ? ? ? ?

Then she says "I wear a hair fall". I'm still paniced and I'm thinking "WTF is a hair fall?" when it dawns on me that it's just a hair extension - a wig.

Whew ............... I can deal with that. Panic mode over, granny's asleep so let's get busy.

She informs me that's there's no need to worry about birth contol. She's fixed. OK. Then she proceeds to tell me the story behind it. "Sybil" got knocked up when she was seventeen and hated being pregnant, giving birth and raising a child soooooooo much that never ever would she go through that again. When she was 22 years old she made the decision to get her tubes tied. During her pregnancy all she could think of and I quote "get this thing out of my body - out, out, out" while flapping her hands like she was shooing a fly from her cootchy.

I have a pretty good tolerence for bizzaro and besides ...... "I was gettin' me some" so the adventure continued.


There is more to story but I need to take a break.

Mine's pretty mundane...

While in Jr. High, I was smitten by a lass in one of my classes. We got along quite well so at a school dance one evening, I summoned up the courage and asked her to be my girl friend. As a token of our bond, I gave her my St. Christopher medallion and chain. It couldn't have been more than a couple of days later when a mutual friend approached me, handed me my St. Christopher and said "Lisa says she doesn't think it's going to work out. She says you're too immature." I blinked a couple of times, shrugged my shoulders and replied "Well, I'm only in the 7th grade."

I may have been immature, but I was wise beyond my years.

I suppose I've got a couple that are worthy.....

A few years back, after the ex and I split up; my best friend and his wife walked into a bar that we were scheduled to play our pool league in later that evening.
As we walk in, I notice four women at the bar; one of which was the bartender on the morning shift and quite hot. The next in line for hotness was a brunette that noticed our entrance. The other two slip my memory for the moment.
As we sat down at a booth, my back was facing the girls and my friend and his wife sat across from me. The night bartender walks up and asks us what we'd like to drink. My friend orders and hands her some cash for their drinks. She asks me and I told her "I'll have a Coors light". She said "how are you paying for it?" I said "those girls over there are going to buy it for me."...(grin)
Needless to say, my friend, his wife and this bartender were all laughing and skeptical. That is until she walked over there and the 2nd most hot said "sure".......Well the rest was history and I didn't need my buddy to give me a ride home that night.
My friend's wife still shakes her head and laughs about that one.

I'll tell you one in a few months....

Doooood!!!

Have a little faith, baby!!

Quick last disaster: came home from work late, and not trying to wake her up, sneaked in like a cat burgular, only to find the apt. dark. Figured the girl was out. Sat on the couch and was about to flip on the idiot box when I heard *something* in one of the bedrooms. Set the remote down all quiet like, thinking maybe I imagined it, when it came again. Noise sounded like someone clapping their hands together, and I thought I heard some moaning. WTF?!? I went to the closet and grabbed my SKS, and as quietly as I could loaded a magazine and put a round into battery. I heard the sound again, and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. There was *definitely* someone in my bedroom, which didn't have any light on. I crept silently up to the door, which was cracked a couple inches.

I looked in, and though I saw something in the corner. There was just enough light from the streetlights outside the windows to see the figure. I saw movement, and flicked off the safety ready to do some damage, and then saw, with horror, what was making the sound. Then I heard "I HATE YOU!", then the noise. It was the girl, having a full-blown breakdown. She was a babbling, inconsolable train wreck, with wild eyes. The sounds I heard were of her slapping the shyt out of herself, sitting in the dark.

I'd only been with her a few weeks, and called her brother, who came from out of state, and took her to a psych facility. Turns out, she was manic with serious depression, was bi-polar, had OCD and had gone off her meds in secret, as she figured that if I found out she was so messed up, I'd leave her.

The brother asked me what I planned to do. I told him to take me to a ATM. He asked why, and I told him that I was going to leave him with my portion of the next month's rent, as I would be moving out the next day.

I still thank Heaven to Mergatroid--for her and myself-- that she didn't off herself with one of my tools.

I bet she was a Tiger.

I can vouch for the fact that bi-polar women are crazy good in bed.

Kinda like a threesome?

Laughed out loud at that one...

only half the time,though.

You have no idea. Sometimes it was like she hated my little friend, trying to like... KILL HIM, using, well...a... nevermind.

Nice, but only 7.4, I'm afraid. The meatball factor hurt your score.

Damaged women can be fun for a while!I guess God thought I could handle them cause he sure sent me plenty!

Most of them were redheads.Coincidence?

Jeez, I dated some nutjobs, but nothing as serious as that!

Last year, I dated three women who admited to being thrown in the loony bin within the last 5 years. Another one didn't admit to it, but I wouldn't be shocked if she had spent time in a padded room either.

And people wonder why I have zero interest in dating these days.

Brian.

The scary thing was that I'd never, ever seen her like that, and I'd messed around with her for 15 years off and on, since HS. It was truly a Sybil type thing. Last I heard she was married with kid. A scary thought. Hopefully all worked out, but that kind of nuts I just couldn't deal with. I wish her nothing but all the best. And him. Better man than me. Or not as good as coming in the house all quiet like...

I decided to break up with one chick because, well, she was just too damn dumb. Petite and horny, but dumb.

After I gave her the news and she ranted and raved a while, then I left. The next day she finally said, alright, I'm over being mad, let's have a goodbye dinner. I pick her up to go out, and she walks out of her apartment with her dress tucked into her pantyhose. This confirmed I was making a sound decision.

You just ruled out about 98% of the single women on the planet.

Brian.