Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Long shots and leaps of Faith.......and Grace....want your input....

This has been a rough couple days...so I'll keep this short.

As some of you know, cuz I haven't kept much a secret, with regard to my family.....

Well, I got a call the other night...that my father was in a horrible accident and was in ICU....and not in good shape. He had been run over by a truck....etc....etc...and taken by life flight to a hosp.

Well. I had MAJOR mixed feelings, to say the least. As this was the man that made my youth a living and eternal HELL. Let's just say he was abusive...and I still carry the baggage. I haven't talked to him in going on 10 years.....pretty much after he left my mother....and got himself a new wife....and had some new kids. I picked my pieces up and went to Uni......and started my life, as best I could.

Anyhow, I was faced with a decision the other night....call him, for the first time in 10 years....or pretend like it didn't matter....ignore the message....or....or...or...

In short. I called him. I was shaking when his wife got on the phone...literally, shaking like a leaf in a windstorm!! I didn't know what to say...didn't know how to react....was pretty much shooting from the hip, with my responses.

I just needed to know if he was dead...it is sooooo hard to explain.

Anyhow, damn....tried to keep this short and it is dragging.

He wants to see me.

I haven't seen this man in something like 10 years.....but I can't help but hope he has changed and wants to apologize...and make things right....and maybe give some closure...if that makes sense.

What would you guys do? I am ALL ears, cuz...really, I am so confused I don't know what I should do.

I talked to him on the phone and it was like the freakiest thing EVER....I felt like that same vulnerable 15 year old that didn't know how the hell to get myself outta the mess, if that makes sense....but I wasn't that same vulnerable kid...I was an adult, with my chit together....and I could hear the regret in his voice (or maybe I just wanted to hear that...I dunno)...

Sorry for the blab....but some honest opinions would be greatly appreciated......

HoundGirl

HoundGirl, you do what is best for you, no-one else including myself can help with this decision.
Remember, for YOU, not anyone else.
I wish you all the best in this matter.
Regards, J Stuart.

When it comes to decisions like this,no matter which way yo go it'll be ten years or more before you finally KNOW whether you actually made the right decision.So many other things will come into play before it is all over that there is no way to predict all the permutations and combinations.Sometimes you just have to follow your gut feelings and jump in (or out) with both feet.Only you know the pain you'd like to put behind you,or the longings you hope to fulfill.
Once he passes on there will be no further opportunity to deal with either.Just remember that not making a decision is still making a decision.

I think you should see him if you are able. I don't think it will make your relationship any worse and it might do him a world of good, whether or not he deserves it.

Sooner or later he will die. If you don't see him you will wonder for the rest of your life if you should have seen him.

These are my thoughts but JSTUART is right, it has to be YOUR decision. Maybe Mickey will chime in. He always seems to know what's right. I trust his judgement better than my own.

1flier

If I can close my eyes and sleep well then I made the right decision.

The problem most have is not making a decision.

Good luck to you.

i suspect I;ll shake like a leaf.....but I'll see him/hear him.

Hard to hope for the best....but know the worst is just around the corner.

Already been down that stooopid road.

Ned thinks I should see him.

Part of me just wants him to apologize...so we can be friends...part of me knows I am in for another world of hurt.

Just not sure I can deal with NOT having that opportunity to let whatever dance, dance. I am too afraid I will regret it.

I just don't know....I feel tired and confused.

Thanks, for all the input.....I am listening!!

HoundGirl

HG
I was adopted so my "real" father I never knew and the man who adopted me and was enough of a man to be a father to me died over 20 years ago. I'd give more to see and spend time with either than anything else in the world. Just because both were my father.

But that's me and as James said, you need to do what is right for you. You didn't mention his prognosis for recovery and you need to consider that.

If you go to see him, and I hope you do, try not to dwell on scenarios of how the reunion will take place but just go as the person you are to see the man he's become. Expect little but look for all the good you can find, and you will gain from the experience. Maybe a little and maybe a lot, but you will gain more self confidence and self reliance. It seems like a big step now but big steps can bring big gains in our lives. Go see him.

[bleep] regret, that's for weak minded souls.

Make a decision and do what works for you, we always know, it's finally making the decision that is tough.

You've already been offered great advice my dear, here's what I'd add to the situation you seem to be facing.

With this caveat "Past performance doesn't guarantee future results" but it's a damned good indicator at times!

Those folks that have our number, always seem to have it to some degree.

Sounds like he has yours or had it one time and there's a part of you that still wonders if you've really broken free of that.

Wouldn't surprise me a bit as he's facing down his maker that he's some regrets about you and your mother.

Whether they're to the degree you feel appropriate, my guess is it will miss the mark some, maybe not. Maybe he'll show remorse that moves you and you can build a relationship in these later years.

But this I do know whatever you decide has to be up to you as has been stated. And you wouldn't be who you are today without the experiences you've had to bring you to here.

I've no doubt you'd be a different chick had you been the apple of daddys eye and he doted on you as fathers are supposed to do over their daughters.

But then you wouldn't be the you, that we know, and I and many others dig.

Yeah pretty is nice, but it's the stuff you post, your balls, and your thought process that makes you attractive to me.

Wouldn't be the same girl had you been raised different.

Doesn't mean it was easy or right.

But good steel is tempered by fire, not by a warming pad.

I like your mettle. Good luck HG, but know this you got what it takes to see you through regardless of which decision you make in this matter.

Even if you end up feeling like you make the wrong decision (whatever that is) you'll get through it, you either got the right stuff or acquired it along the way. Best to ya darlin'

I didnt have the same kind of childhood that you did.So I cant relate the feelings you have.But.......you and only you ,really know how you feel.Can you forgive him and see him?Can you forgive yourself if you dont?

I know how I treat other people who treat me wrong.I act like they dont exist.I dont say hi to them.I dont talk to them.I dont know if its the right way or the wrong way.But I am happy with thatWhich ever way you go............I wish the best.

Dude, that damn near brought a tear to MY eye.

Should add, I've believed for awhile now that you have LOTS of moxie.

I have FAITH in that, so should you Jane.

have a quick snort Scott, I've used it as a cover for a tear in my eye on occassion. (grin)

one of these days we'll do a few together and see who can make the other cry first by swapping lies and war stories!

I'm a soft touch....

THAT...RIGHT THERE...is my fear! Sorta sickens my stomach, to the nTH degree.

Problem is, I'll never really know unless I try. Bigger problem is trying to figure out if I am making 'hopes' outta hamburger....cuz if I've learned anything in the past couple of years, being home...and trying to help mother, is that a snake is a snake.

Not sure why, but there is a part of me that can't help but hope....and can't help but see the best in ppl....even if their best isn't even there.

My struggle...and, in the end, my short-coming. Sure wish life was simple.

Live and learn...and this is looking to be a big one.

HoundGirl

It's only a short-coming if you can't overcome the effects, which I know you can.

Remember, no good deed ever goes unpunished....

If you go for an appology, you'll probably be dissappointed. The best he could muster doesn't sound like you would accept. I don't know what your situtation is or was but I do know that everyone wish's they had what they precieve to have been a normal relationship with their parent's and/or children. You know what the score is, don't expect anything else. That usually leads to dissappointment. You can carry around these feelings you have or not, that's up to you, but only you can rid yourself of them and that you should do. Likely as not from what little I gather here, he won't help you, at least not in a way you would recognize. If you go see him, he's just a man, just like all other men. Some are very much different than other's and some we just can't accept. Sounds to me like first you have to accept you! Once you do that, dealing with him is just dealing with another person. My son's mother shuned him for many years when he came to live with me. Zero contact. Today he's 34 and still struggles inside with why his mother can't be someone he can accept. She's not and he doesn't have to but he does maintain contact now. The only good that may ever come of it may well be after she's gone he'll know he's done all he could. That's all anyone can do. It seem's obvious to me that you'd really like to go see him, for whatever reason. Do it but do it as an adult, not the kid it sounds like he intimidated. If you can't do that, you'll only hurt yourself again.

Ever have something that rattles your world. Something you THINK you ALREADY have figured out and in it's place? And it up and dances on your 'happy' parade...when things are going really good. When things haven't been easy but the choices you have made are actaully starting to make sense....things are starting to fall into place and make sense to ya?

That is where I am. I am confused and tired and sorta pizzed off at it all. Actually, sorta REALLY pizzed off.

Freaks me out that I use to beg God to take him.....use to think of ways to kill him....just to turn around and melt at the thought of him 'going' before I have a chance to....I don't know....maybe just to see the regret in his eyes....or maybe to give him a chance to ask me to forgive him....or maybe, just maybe, see him as an equal....as an adult...and have it all played out on an equal playing field....were I finally have a voice.

Not sure where this venture will end...and I have no plans on letting it shake my foundation...although, it sure as hell has shook my walls.

Musta looked like a deer in headlights the other night. It's been an INSANE few days.

HoundGirl

Hound Girl,

You and I have not had the opportunity to converse here at the campfire in any real way. I just wanted you to know that many here feel as I do. You are STRONG, girl...you can be very strong! That is just one of the things we most enjoy about your individualness!

I'm guessing that you are the same age as my daughter; possibly younger. My Sara is thirty. When I read your post I was just torn up inside. I couldn't imagine having a non-relationship like that with my Sara. It would kill me. I hope you don't mind my notes here below. I mean nothing but the best for you.

Peace, dear girl,

Mark... aka Bearhuntr



Sure it makes sense. Sounds like you are still pizzed and hurt (rightfully so) yet are full of pity for him as well. I'm thinking that he mighta said some of these things to you on the phone? He shoulda...and that's what a man should do.

It's human nature to, when faced with one's mortality, to CONSIDER an attempt at "righting" some wrongs. It's MORE human nature to want people to feel pity for you when the thought of dying is so near. Somehow, the guilty mind, rather than being embarrassed by admiting guilt, chooses to push that confession aside in favor of seeking pity...thus turning the tables away from self. This is as selfish as it gets. It would be the "thermometer" I would use to gauge one's response.

H.G...You are not in anyway to blame for any of this. This "gentleman" made many bad choices in life and continued up until you did all you could do...leave. You will ultimatly make a choice one way or the other.

If you choose to go and see him...you will do fine. Yours is the moral center of this thing. If you choose not to, there should be no regrets. Your decision will be based on how he handles himself from now on...what he says and how he says it. You are equiped with the stuff that it will take to discern and judge. This I have seen (and observed) from your posts. You DO know how to handle yourself. You will find your confidence

ps. my wife read this over my shoulder and said that you sound like quite the girl...and that was high praise coming from a librarian of 30 years!

Ditto on the others advice ..only you can decide what's right.

Just remember you can be in control of what buttons get pushed ..your not a kid any more your a very cool chick that seems to meet life head on and tackles what gets thrown at ya with great flourish.You'll be ok.