"Heap big smoke, but no fire."

That boy's got a $2 horse and a $10 saddle.
said of a fellow who is more flash than substance.
RB

"The bigger the hat, the smaller the herd."

"That guy couldnt find his own azz with both hands and a flashlight"

Cold not fight his way out of a paper bag.

Dumber than a hay rake in a cornfield.
Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining.
7mm

"Hey Dave! What do ya know?"

"A 200 pound dog's a big one!"

"Dont pour syrup on sh*t and tell me its pancakes"

Tellin' tales out of school.

“If youre gonna ride my ass, at least pull my hair”

Pull up your panties and go home.

Gonna let his alligator mouth overload his hummingbird ass

He's gone to crawfishing

Rich as 4' up a bulls ass

Worthless as teats on a boar hog

That dog wont hunt

As a crow flies

He's lost as a Bastard on Fathers Day

"She married the best man in town, it was a very small town mind you"

“I can make my own Hydroxychloroquine in my bathtub with Comet and grapefruit peelings”

Where there's democrats there's fraud

"What you dont know could fill a warehouse"

An old Indian trick.

Every good idea around deer camp was attributed to being an “old Indian trick.”

Well Ain't that Enough to Frost your Nuts...

The difference between a farmer and a puppy.... when the puppy gets big it quits whining.

"I feel like a dollar waiting on a dime."

A round about way to tell someone else to hurry up, or that you or your time is more important than them or their time.

“No sir, I beg yor pardon…that ain’t rust or mistreatment. That is patina”

"Ass Over Tea Kettle"... He Went Ass Over Tea Kettle... When i was a kid my Grandma hated VW Beetles... She used to say "There Goes One of Them Goddam Ass Over Tea Kettle Cars Again"...

When I got up to around college age, I'd get a little cocky and say something smartarse around my grandma and she'd say "you're full of piss and vinegar today, where'd you roost at last night?"

She was a character. Got many whoopings from her growing up with her wooden spoon...She'd tell me and my brothers and cousins "I'm gonna paint your backporch red boy" and we knew a whipping was coming if we didn't stop what we were doing.

.

.....................................................~flave~

You go on living.......

You'll learn!

Two 'possums in a gunnysack

"Hold my beer..."

Preceded by "What could possibally go wrong.?"

......using an 8 way mirror!!

If I'd have ordered a truck load of dumbasses and all I got was you I got my money's worth.

"Wabigoon is a dumb fugk."

"The bigger the farmer, the bigger the potato."

"Everyone seems normal until you get to know them."

Spot on.

We’re all fugged up. Some more than others and some hide hide it better than others but given enough time to get to know someone. We’re all headcases.

Ahem...

I hope God gave you a big dick, because he sure shorted you on brains

Shaking like a dog crapping a peach seed

It's always worse than it looks

That's about as strong as a garlic milkshake

Don't write a check your ass can't cash!

useless as tits on a boar hog

Once heard some call Hillary Clinton a betch

I've never and would never say that, but I have heard it.

Now you're cookin' with gas !!

Now you're diggin' where there's taters !!

Both meaning the same thing........you're on the right track.

Hey !! What's up ??

A chicken's ass when he's eatin'............

"Smart as a tree full of owls"

Don't eat the Brown Acid.

That's a 325 inch elk......

Couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel

Slicker than a white hounds nuts

KC

He's so dumb that he not only doesn't know-- he doesn't even suspect

"He wouldn't know if his arse was on fire."

He whom walks with the lame, learns how to limp.

Restaurant customer; hey good looking
Waitress; sorry I can’t say the same
Restaurant customer; you could if you lied like I did


Restaurant customer; hey baby , your looking good
Waitress; so you looking to get laid ?
Restaurant customer; 😎
Waitress; crawl up a chickens ass and wait 😂

Green guy on pole trying to reach out to pick up 40lb lasher 4ft on other side of splice boot
Holding onto wire with one hand and struggling to pick lasher up with other
Journeyman wacks green guys fingers wit screw driver
Stackhouse is paying you for both them hands boy
Green guy hollers WTF ?
Grabs lasher with both hands and teter tottering around sets it on other side of pole .
Looks at grinning journeyman mad as hell
Journeyman smiles
Will make a lineman out of you or one of us is going to get our ass whipped .
Green guy , your right , one of us is going to get our ass whipped if you smack my fingers with that screw driver again

Unassed pole and never forgot that guy.
He had some fun out of my green ass on more than one occasion.

Falls into things people say , related story to many green guys
Kenneth

I wish I had what he has, and he had a feather up his ass.

We'd both be tickled shìtless.

This thread is about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

Dumber than a bag fulla' hammers.

"Dollars to donuts." Buy any lately?

Stands out like a diamond in a goat's a$$.

Start the Friday music thread, Wabigoon

This isn't something "people" say; only my wife, each and every time we drive by a housing development, "They're all built out of ticky-tacky, and they all look just the same."

She fell outta tha ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

If ya got a potato, ya got a meal.


That boys big enough to eat hay and shît in the road.

He’s smart as a horse and hung like Einstein.

buy him for what he is worth and sell him for what he thinks he is worth, I'd be rich.

If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.

Shît in your hand and go blind.

🦫

No I'll pass, The Juice ain't worth the squeeze

Ol boy couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a suitcase full of 100 dollar bills and a bucket of coke

“Me and Happy Camper prayed over the phone”

lol

Woman who flies airplane upside down
Has crack up


He who jacks off into cash register
Cums into money


Cut the SOB twice and it’s still too short


Like pushing a rope up a hill

I believe Houston 2 Toots is going to repent. LMAO

Busier than a one legged man in an ass kickin’ contest

Happier than a two dicked dog

He couldn't organize a root in a brothel....

I saw it with mine own eyes..

"It's colder than a well digger's azz"

Happier than a fàggot in boy’s town.

Cold enough to freeze the balls of a brass monkey...

That’s it .. The Moderator must Step In ..

Well Butter My Butt And Call Me A Biscuit...

I'm Sweating More Than A Sinner In Church...

colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra

could give you the world with a fence around it and you'd bitch because there's no gate

alligator mouth and a humminbird ass

hold out one hand then schidt in the other and see which one fills up first

could fugg up a one man rockfight

feel like I was shot and and missed but schidt at and hit

woke up this morning so hung over I was afraid I'd die...after my first cup of coffee I was afraid I wouldn't

couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle

schidt fire to save matches! (akin to cuttin off yer nose to spite yer face)

He couldn't hit the ground if he fell twice!

I saw these words on a plaque in a recent widow's horse stable this afternoon...

If You're Going To Get In The Saddle...
Prepare For The Ride!

Broad side of a barn

Wet paper sack

Illegal to stack schit that tall

Box of Hammers

Bag of hair

Sweatin like a black man at a white womans funeral.

Haven't seen you in a coons age!

thats hung up like a boy dog.


fugged up like a snake in a bush hog


harder than a skillet handle

Some days I feel older than white dog crap.

Ugly as a sackfull of arseholes....

Toes forward better than toes up.

Hotter than a fresh fugked fox in a brush fire .

Truth about all the new rifle cartridges---It's the Indian, not the arrow.

Things people say?

I was sitting at a table in a bar with a friend, replete with beautiful women.
My friend lamented that he could never get a woman and was unlucky.

I pointed to all the beautiful young girls sitting on bar stools, just waiting for a man to come along.

My friend watched, and soon a young man came into the bar, approached a
young woman on a stool and said, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"

The girl recoiled in surprise and responded, "WHAT??"
The man feigned surprise and in turn responded, "Particularly nasty weather."
The girl laughed, and soon they departed hand in hand.

My friend took heart and declared, "I CAN DO THAT!" He approached a girl sitting on a bar stool and said:
Hey Lady! "Stick my thumb up your ass? She said "WHAT??" -
He responded, "Pretty fugg'n cold out ain't it?"

"You're like public school on weekends......no class"

I seem to be the only one around here who remembers hearing "he ain't got enough brains to tan his hide". Most people would likely have no idea what that even means.

Trembling like a dog chitting a razor blade.
Hotter than a $2 pistol.
Went out to take a chit and the hogs ate him.

If your brains were made outta gasoline there wouldn’t be enough gas to drive a pissants motorcycle halfway around a bb.

Statement to fine looking Woman

I would slide buck naked down a mile long razor blade just to hear you piss into a tin cup while we are on the phone …………collect !

When I need your opinion,I’ll give it to you

You have a face made for radio !

Like trying to shove a wet noodle up a wild cats a$$.

Exclamation of surprise

Well fuc me running

''If my dog had your face, I'd shave his arse and make him walk backwards.''

If I wanted your opinion, I’d beat it out of you.

Response:
You’re welcome to try, but I don’t fancy your chances.

Hotter than a rat humpin a whool sock

Good one, I use it all the time. My wife hates it and lets me know.

Opinions are like a§§holes. I'm not interested in yours.

"Dont throw rocks at the hornets nest"

As confused as a blind lesbian at a fish market!

Ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road!

Dale Earnhardt and Michael Jackson both chased little boys- - - -Michael caught them!

"When you spill the slop jar, be prepared to clean it up"

Hytailin' it.

I don't give a damn if it hair lips the governor.

I don't care if snuff gets to be a dollar a dip, 'cause I don't dip.

L.W.

You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken chit!

You can't make this stuff up.

Rarer than hen's teeth.

Rarer than rockinghorse crap.

As flash as a rat with a gold tooth.

Faster than a dunny rat up a pipe.

"She/he would argue with a fence post."

"Fugg em and feed em fish heads."

“Dumber than a farmer in Iowa.”

Tougher than woodpecker lips.


Bruce

Jumpy as a rat on acid.

"Boy is so dumb he thinks a pig pen is something to write with " Foghorn Leghorn

“I’m going to sale this in the classifieds “ or “Imma put this for sell in the classifieds”.

Sale is a fn’ noun or adjective.

Sell is the action verb these morons are looking for.

I can’t tell if it’s a lack of education or a regional dialect thing.

They aren’t interchangeable…change my mind and check my Engrish….

For whatever reason this drives me nuts….just like tangled clothes hangers.

"Like, you know, bro, dude" are shooting words.

Just public schools...we all gotta be indoctrinated somewhere

He could tear up an anvil with a rubber mallet.

He's as fuqked up as a football bat.

She's as crazy as a drug store mouse.

He's as messed up as crackheads check book.

Doubtful things are uncertain...

If, a frogs had wings they wouldn't bump their ass wen they land.

If, idiots could fly this place would be an airport.

You've got to dummy up boy, cause you sure can't dummy down.

We've got to leave this place, there's more [bleep] here than we've got bullets.

All hat no cattle.

You can chrome & polish a turd but it's still a turd.

I could catch fish in the Sahara Desert. You couldn't catch the clap in a whorehouse.

"Arent you as smart as a c h i m p"

Boy is so mean that when he dies the devil is gonna give him a couple of fire coals and tell him to go make a hell of his own somewhere.

When I was a little kid, one of my dad's friends owned a vintage GTO and he was always bragging on that car. He kept it clean and in the garage so the elements wouldnt mess with it.
Once me and a couple of my friends were watching him while he was getting ready to take it on a drive. He told us that his GTO "takes off like a raped ape" I always found that statement a little disturbing.........

Used to be I'd drag my balls thru a mile of broken glass to here you fart over a field phone

As noisy as a mouse pissing on a cotton ball

Praise the Lord and pass the bullets.

"There is no place like home.'

We're not in Kansas any more.....

“He’s so damn sorry lice won’t stay on ‘em!”

Where is X?

I don't know.

If it was up your ass you'd know!

^^^^^^^^^^^^

Heard this constantly as a kid.

Toto too?

"Tighter than a nun's c**t"

Tighter than a fishes arse.

Wouldn't pizz on him if his arse was on fire.

"Do you want a medal, or a chest to pin it on?"

There he is, the man they couldn't root, shoot or electrocute.

If he had a good idea, it would roll around like a b b in a boxcar

"That guy would f**k a snake if it had a hand to hold on to"

"You'd f*** a pile of rocks if you thought there was a rattlesnake under it."


In response to "let me know if you need anything,"
I'll holler like a mashed cat!

"You make more noise than a skeleton j**king off inside of a trash can"

Winter is coming, it will be colder than a witch's tit on a well digger's ass.

Do you want a cookie?
No, I want two cookies, and a glass of milk

She could eat peas out of a bottle.

She could eat corn through a picket fence.

Tighter than Dick's hatband

That'll happen when pigs fly.

Dumber than a box of rocks.

Trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

Slicker than snot on a brass doorknob.

He could weld a monkey's ass to a brass doorknob.

its for the children

we're all in this together

"your mouth goes like a whippoorwills ass"

I could schit through a screen door and never touch a wire.

I have the back-door trots.

She's so ugly she would have to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.

Also so ugly she would make a freight train take a dirt road.

That would make a lamb fight the butcher.

You're so ugly your mama had to tie a pork chop around your neck to get the dogs to play with you.

You've got a beer income and a champagne appetite.

Irregardless.

"harder than a honeymoon pecker"

I'd rather do naked pushups in a dark room full of mouse traps.

I'd rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass in my underwear.

(I can't imagine trying to get my underwear on a wildcat to try that.)

I wouldn’t have that (insert name of worthless car, tool, etc. here…) up my azz if I had room for a sawmill.

A friend of my dad's would say "you got to learn to pee in tall grass if you're going to run with the big dogs".

He's as thick as a house brick and twice as dense.

It is better to be thought of as a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.

When you walk out of Top's office you're going to have shoe polish on your breath

We are from the government and we are here to help.

That gal is ugly enough to scare the squeal out of a pig.

What do you know? It takes a big woman to weigh a ton.

useless as tits on a chicken

Caller: Hi, I need some information about ...
Me: Okay. ...
Caller: Wait a minute, let me get a pen.

When biting into an exceptionally hot pepper....

Southern folk say "dadgum, granny must of been mad when she planned those! They gots the fire in em!"

Your old lady's so big, she beeps when she backs up.

I've been to two county fairs and a goat f..king... ain't never seen something like that...

Harder than Custer's nuts...

Drier than a popcorn fart...

Hells Bells...

Kent

That boys pee-pee has taken him places that I wouldn't go with a gun!

I'd low crawl over 5 miles of broken glass just to hear her fart in a field telephone.

Busier than a 3 peckered billy goat...

Hold my beer

Fine as frog hair

Online Content
Aagaardsporter
Campfire Member
A
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 319
Mid Michigan
Omicron cases seem to double every two days in virgin territory.....scary. Vaccine boosters appear to reduce risk/illness.

what an idiot

From the things my old man used to say files....

"You're about as smart as a screen door on a submarine".

"You're about as funny as a fart in a space suit". (which actually is quite funny)

"Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the directions on the heel".

"Everyone likes a little azz, nobody likes a smart azz".

Damn I miss that guy. But honor his memory by keeping those sayings in circulation with my son, and grandkids.

Let go my ears.................I know what I to do.

You're hittin' on all eights.

-Ken

Yankees are like hemorrhoids: Pain in the butt when they come down and always a relief when they go back up.

He's so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.

And one I've told my brothers many a time!

Keep it up and I'll cancel your birth certificate.

[size:14pt][/size
Dog eat dog,rats keep winning rat race.
]Barking up the wrong tree
Hold your horses
Chomping at the bit
GFY