Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Long shots and leaps of Faith.......and Grace....want your input....

HG; Sounds like you have already made up your mind.

If you don't go, you will likely be "what-if-ing" for the rest of your life.

Good folks here: it sounds like you've pretty much gotten everything you need before I arrived on the scene, so to speak.

I have to say, though, that I disagree with the folks who say only you can know what is right. I don't think that's the way right works.

We don't get to decide what's right: what we do get to do is measure our character against what's right and see how we come out.

I'm not particularly concerned about how you'll come out. But Penny and I will keep you in our prayers.

HG, I didn't read the whole thread, but it seems like there is plenty of good advice. I'm adopted, have never known my biological parents, and have absolutely no interest in meeting them. They mean nothing to me, because they were never a part of my life. If I found out one of them were in a bad accident, I wouldn't be compelled to visit them.

I lost my dad this spring, he had a relatively short bout of cancer, was diagnosed around Christmas time. He was in and out of the hospital for awhile, but then we managed to make it down to visit for a week, a month before he decided to no longer be fed through a tube. I talked to him a few days before he finally passed away. That was a very meaningful time to me. He was a good man, and I was blessed to say without any remorse that we were at peace with eachother before he passed. It would have been harder for me having not seen him before he went.

As to your situation, that's a tough one. You need to do what is best for you. It sounds like seeing him again is going to open up alot of old wounds. He's the sort that would rub salt in those wounds. That will be tough on you, tough on Ned, and others in your immediate family. If you're strong enough and have healed enough to face him and say, while there is nothing he can do to make up for his F-up's, you forgive him, then it will help you heal.

But considering how torn up you are about this, you might not be in the state to face him. And if he died before you got to see him, I'd see that as the Lord's way of protecting you from someone who hurt you in the worst possible way, and might just do it again as a matter of his nature.

I can't see much good coming out of making contact with such an individual. He's more than failed on any and all obligations he's had as a father.

HG
Walk in like you got the biggest set of go-nads in the town. Speak from a position of strength and not fear. You might be filling your drawers but don't let him know. Don't be afraid to look him in the eye and let him know; without saying it, you got your act together and you can't hurt me no more. I've moved on, how about you? I think after a few minutes he'll figure it out. You aren't 13 anymore. kwg

HG, remember Dad's are the ones that raise you, fathers are just sperm donor's. Les

Hello I don't really know you or him. My suggestion would be to look inside yourself really deep and ask yourself if you CAN forgive him. Many times forgiveness is not a two way street. If you cannot find it inside to forgive him without his asking you, you will most likely never be able to fully forgive him. If you do, look at it from all angles and possibly find out if you can what it is that made him the way he was when you were younger(nothing is an excuse for abuse, but there may be a reason he became that way) He may even have changed possibly. Maybe even your leaving and his losing you may have been a catalyst for that change. Possibly you could empower yourself and do some research into his behaviour the last 10 years to see if there is an arc of changing and repair. It really sucks but to get past it you may have to decide to be the bigger person and gird yourself against him and go and see him even if just to put that behind you and "check that box"in your emotional development. If you do go and see him make absolutely sure to go with a most trusted friend and not alone. That will give just that more of a shield against feeling alone and trapped in the situation. From your writing that seemed to be an aspect of what you feel when you return in your memmories to that time in your life.

But as I said I don't really know you or your history so I cannot really give you perfect advice if such a thing exhists.

I will pray for you that you find a path in the coming days to walk with out fear.

Hit em' Hard
Matthew

Under similar conditions and an identical situation I forgave but never forgot.

He was being treated for cancer and before we could arrange a meet he up and died.

The only regrets I have are the miserable life he created for our Mom and us kids.

I did not attend the funeral.

Cut people like that loose, never look back...

Family can be cull, been said before, and I'm all for it....

What Scott said. You did it once.

Any sumbitch that would hurt a child deserves the worst that can be imagined. Saying sorry so one feels better at the end of the day is chit.

He hurt you in a way that we'll never know. Don't give him any satisfaction. If/when you see him, walk in with your head up and look the bastid straight in the eye so he knows he didn't break you. If calling him everything but a white man makes you feel better, do it.

I wish you and Ned the very best.

Mac

A lot depends on the type of abuse. If he is only verbally abusive...well hell, I get accused of that all the time (without merit, I might add). If he's physically abusive, that ain't likely to be the case anymore, and he might regret it and you could end up finding some foregiveness in your heart. If he was sexually abusive - that's a real tough one. I think that in the end, you gotta make your decision based on whether YOU are capable of forgiving him. If not, nothing positive can result from the meeting. Good luck.

HG;

Be careful.

Make sure that if you let him back in your life, you're ready to have what he was, and might still be, back in your life.

Think about that before you tell him, or anyone around him, where you are and what you're doing.

Good luck, and yeah, you've got more moxie than most I've ever met.

Hat's off to you, girl.

VA

Glad you mentioned it. It never occurrd to me that HG would actually let him back in her life in any meaningful way. I absolutely would not do that. If Jane wants to, its up to her, but I can't imagine doing that.

I'd listen to BD and SH before I did anything other than try to make peace and move on.

HG
You've already proven that you can turn out fine with him out of your life. No need to let him back into your life, if you find out he'd still be detrimental to your happiness and peace. You've got Ned, and a life of your own.

About 20 years ago I came to the conclusion that "Sooner or later, we all have to stop hoping for a better past."

I suspect you are there as well...and if you are, you will have the strength to deal with this episode.

Goodness and strength to you. Always feel free to call...

DN

Sometimes one has to drive through the ghetto...or not. If you do, do so with windows up and doors locked.

Be friendly and polite, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

Go with your gut, mind and your heart. All three seem to have served you quite well thus far !!

I appreciate every single post on this thread. I appreciate the thoughtful PMs. Most of all, I appreciate the friendships....and the honesty.

I will keep you all posted.

Life is good...and I plan on keeping it that way. Keeping the promise, as mentioned earlier.

You all are the bestest of the best!!!

HoundGirl

I'm not much for forgiveness, and even less for sentimentality so TTFWIW: You don't owe him even minimal respect or consideration. He owed you. He had his chance and blew it. I had the best dad in the world but his father was a violent, hateful prick. I watched my father try to come to terms with my grandfather and I became convinced that he would have been far better off if he'd just cut the cancer out of his life. Some things I just don't get.

He screws up your life and now that the grim reaper is outside the door he feels guilty and afraid of that final judgement. Why let him clear his conscience?