Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire My father died.

Have an uncle that’s in hospice care now, cancer. Its extremely sad to watch and hard not to feel pity for him in this frail state. Only one of his kids is even visiting, much less helping care for him. He was a non functioning alcoholic for 90% of his life. Mean, physically abusive, came trashed drunk to every important event in their lives etc….
You start to judge the kids then remember the reality. Of course he’s trying to make amends and talking about Jesus and forgiveness now, but It’s hard for me to grasp the whole “ask for forgiveness on your deathbed and you’re on a one way ticket to paradise” after leaving so much misery and carnage in your wake.

It grieves many of us believers the peace and joy that unbelievers miss, especially the love GOD demonstrated for us by giving JESUS and HIS cleansing blood of HIS son for us, to give us undeserving the greatest gift, forgiveness and the greatest blessing of everlasting Heaven.

If he is a believer, can the employer be free to pay the man who worked all day the same wage as the man who worked for Him an hour?

If he turned for God, who won him, Satan or GOD.

You are a good man. There are many things we don’t know about family, their past, life experience, mental health. As such, they pass on the good and the bad traits and something in our inner self directs us on the path of life. My father was 48 when he died in 1969. From what i understand, a little wild growing up, WW II vet, POW during the Bulge; was on the RHINE River when all hell broke loose. Spent 4 months Bergen Belsen camp, liberated by Patton’s army. Spent 4 years in a State hospital with TB, lost a lung. According to my mother a Doctor told him in 1951 if he didn’t stop smoking and drinking he wouldn’t see 50, Doc was right. My uncle went to Norte Dame became an engineer, sisters were teacher and nurse. The old man was too stubborn, had a family to support and we had many a disappointing life when I was 12-17 due to excessive drinking and broken promises. Retired as a correction officer after 20 years and didn’t last long. Hit a guard rail on the way to his retirement job, died 3 days later of cardiac arrest. He may have had a mental illness, undiagnosed compounded by his smart ass attitude and the war. Who know. Stuff happens and at times its not their fault.
‘
So i guess what I’m saying is take a look at their past and it may help explain a little of why.

He did the best he could and don’t blame him for anything. He made me a better father to my kids.

Armednfree, you are a good man. The gift that you gave to your father was selfless and will also bring some peace to you. I wish you and your family well.

I often wonder how many of our dads from the WWII, Korea and Vietnam era were still fighting and dealing with their war? Before PTSD was a diagnosis and traumatic brain injuries were a thing a man just had to “suck it up” and “get on with it”. There was little “talking about your problems” unless it was at the VFW or American Legion while reliving the horrors and drinking heavily. There was little support and almost no empathy for the terrible memories they lived with…alcohol and violence became their outlet. It’s of no consequence to an innocent child that’s being unmercifully beaten or the wife trying to keep her family together but our understanding of the horrors of war and its lasting effects were barely understood and rarely acknowledged back then. I’m in absolutely no way making excuses for bad behavior but I often try to understand or at least separate the man from the actions in my futile attempt to try and find some good in awful circumstances.

To you MEN that were strong enough and secure enough to break the cycle of alcoholism and abuse….I have no words suitable to express my admiration for you! Few will ever know how you were able to summon the strength and courage to overcome the poor example of parenting you endured but I hope that there’s a VIP room in Valhalla for you!

Good job. I took care of a Mother I never cared for. Long story. But, she gave me life and I cared for her for years when she could not. Even if they are not your choice as a friend they gave you life so respect enters into it.

Again, good job sir.

Bear

Appears everybody here is a better person than me, I didn't forgive I forgot, wrote them off many years ago. No way in hell was I going to let them off the hook.

Not all parents are what they should be and some resemble something akin to a total waste but there is a Commandment concerning them.

You did your part, Bear. Well done.

All this you need to forgive stuff is nonsense... why would anyone forgive toxic people?
That's just an invitation for them back into your life, they will do you more harm.
Thing I have noticed is the people preaching forgiveness are people whom have harmed others.
When you are the victim why give them what they desire?
Be sure when you disown them that you are correct and won't regret your decision, make sure you are not to blame also, make the decision, move on and surround yourself with good people.
As for the deathbed forgiveness thing... well that seems a little too late. And if they deserve forgiveness you are at fault for not giving it sooner.
Not all deserve it!

I'd have pissed on him while he watched.

Kinky

I never got along with my dad very well. Dad was loud and spoke his mind when he shouldn't have. Was mean to us kids a lot. I am like my mom, I think very carefully before I say something or give a suggestion. He worked very hard and saved too much money and never spent anymore than he had to . We did almost nothing for family recreation. Now that he is gone for 5 yrs. I miss him . It started to change as he got older and more humble. He never said he loved me and I never told him I loved him neither untill he was on his death bed. I told myself that I have to tell him I love him and in the hospital I said loudly I love you dad. He was all but unconcious but he did turn his head and looked at me so I am sure he heard me. I told God you have to let him hear me tell him that I love him and I am sure he did. I almost burst into tears that moment and the next day he was unconcious and unresponsive . The next morning he died. I'm glad I said that to him but for God's sake , why did I wait so long??? I dont know, maybe it was his upbringing . His dad was not very loving neither . My wife and I decided we will not raise our kids the way we were raised. They turned out t be way over independent but thats ok. So independent that she left for Taiwan a month after she got out of college for 3 yrs . and now lives in Cairo , Egypt for 5 yrs. teaching 4th grade. My son buys and sells stocks at an investment firm for clients. It is hard to know how to raise kids right when your parent had no teachings , cause their parents didnt know, and their parents didnt know neither, so , it's not all our parents fault if they didnt do a good job raising us. Sometimes it is , but we jsut dont know what is best till it's too late and the kids are gone . Then we see our mistakes.

No disrespect to your thread is intended by this question, but what does it mean to forgive someone?

Mostly............. let it go and move on! It's not so much about them, as it is you!

Forgiveness may take more time than thought.
Conscious decision to pursue such is at least a step in the right direction.
Get there eventually, hopefully.

Loss is still a loss and can muddy things up for a bit.

It means you no longer have excuses.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you turn into a door mat
It means it's over and time to move on, just like another has stated.
Can move on without or maybe limit interaction w those that hurt you.
Hate is a poison.

Easy concept to understand.

Harder to employ.

I understand not being driven by hate, but I never understood why one has to forgive for that to occur. I guess we are all different.

Forgiveness isnt easy IMHO.
Still think about the bad stuff some have done, not in anger though.
Pretty much forgave one, still upsetting to low degree, maybe I should have worked harder at it sooner, for the benefit of both.

The others I dont give a chit about. They can fuggin rot