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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 16,541 Likes: 42
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 16,541 Likes: 42 |
Do you remember the Jeff Foxworthy joke about how funny it was to pass the 'doe pee' bottle around for his hunting friends to smell, but how his wife didn't think it was at all funny? Well, this morning it was my turn and I felt sorry for the young ladies... Without going into a lot of details, I had to go for a CT scan this morning. To prepare me for the scan, they had me drink the most foul tasting bottle of stuff last nite, and then another one this morning. It had the consistency about like milk-of-magnesia and was blue-berry flavored, both of which make me gag. Now this stuff isn't like the citrus stuff you take for a colonoscopy. It doesn't 'clean you out'. This stuff is suppose to make your guts 'glow in the dark', so to speak. It stays in you. On top of those two bottles, when I got to the hospital, they had me drink another cup or so of some similar stuff. Different taste but the same consistency. Eyes watered and gag reflex set in, but again I managed to keep it down. Now the procedure itself didn't take 10 minutes and out the door I went. Since I was in town, I'll just run by and take care of some more business. While driving to this other place, I cut the most foul smelling fart of my life... It wasn't one of those loud obnoxious farts, no... just a small toot! Hardly worth noticing. You know, one of those you sneak out when around company. Again I liked to have gagged, from my own fart... had to roll down the truck window, to air out the truck. Once was mind boggling, but now these farts were coming every few minutes. I drove over 20 miles with the window down and when I would let one, it still stunk so bad that I would almost gag. Anyway, I get to the place of business, walk into the small office and there are 2 young ladies. While explaining why I was there, I felt another one coming on. So, I excused myself, walked out the door and let it go...and like before, just a small toot. The ladies could see me thru the window and I guess was wondering what was going on. I came back in and continued with my business. After a few minutes, here comes another one. So again, I excused myself and stepped outside. Only this time the younger of the two lades came to see what was going on. I barely made it out the door, when I cut loose again. Just as it happened, the lady opened the door, and evidently it sucked the smell inside the small office. Almost immediately, the lady at the door swore, stepped back inside and closed the door. Me, I'm still standing outside, not knowing what to do. I heard the 2nd lady ask what was wrong, but I didn't hear the first lady answer. About 3 heartbeats later, I hear the 2nd lady swear and both ladies busted thru the door, to come outside with me. After catching their breath, the older of the two women looked at me and said, "Mister, you're sick". All I could say was "Yes Ma'am". I explained what was going on... we finished our business, standing outside... and they said they would call me this afternoon. They didn't invite me back inside the office. 
Old Turd- Deplorable- Unrepentant Murderer- Domestic Violent Extremist- Garbage
Deerhunter78....Internet Baddass....Trolls dead members!
This will be my last post! Flave 1/3/21
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Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 26,524
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 26,524 |
Once was mind boggling, but now these farts were coming every few minutes. I drove over 20 miles with the window down ...
and a trail of buzzards dropping from the sky
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 5,222
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 5,222 |
LOL 
"Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence". John Adams
"A dishonest man can always be trusted to be dishonest". Captain Jack Sparrow
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Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 2,836 Likes: 10
Campfire Regular
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Campfire Regular
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 2,836 Likes: 10 |
OMSG! (See the thread on Senior Texting Codes).
When I went outside, I'd have put my phone to my ear so they'd think I had a call I had to take.
The biggest problem our country has is not systemic racism, it's systemic stupidity.
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 13,641 Likes: 116
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 13,641 Likes: 116 |
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Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 42,960 Likes: 29
Campfire 'Bwana
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Campfire 'Bwana
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 42,960 Likes: 29 |
Randy,
If you were in New Jersey, no one would have noticed...
"Minus the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the Country" Marion Barry, Mayor of Wash DC
“Owning guns is not a right. If it were a right, it would be in the Constitution.” ~Alexandria Ocasio Cortez
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 57,778 Likes: 273
Campfire Kahuna
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Campfire Kahuna
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 57,778 Likes: 273 |
Oldman, I'm proud to know you. Traveled that road...easy way to get to the head of the line.
I am..........disturbed.
Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass. -Twain
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 32,424 Likes: 145
Campfire 'Bwana
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Campfire 'Bwana
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 32,424 Likes: 145 |
Randy, no doubt now. You ARE my new hero!
Founder Ancient Order of the 1895 Winchester
"I can regard Texas as little more that Big Drunk’s big ranch."
Mirabeau B. Lamar 1847
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Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 14,255 Likes: 28
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 14,255 Likes: 28 |
gitting old ain't for sissy's! some of the stuff they make us go through , only a seasoned old fart could put up with!
the consolidation of the states into one vast republic, sure to be aggressive abroad and despotic at home, will be the certain precursor of that ruin which has overwhelmed all those that have preceded. Robert E Lee ~Molɔ̀ːn Labé Skýla~
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Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,504 Likes: 10
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,504 Likes: 10 |
Molɔ̀ːn Labé Skýla
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11,643 Likes: 48
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11,643 Likes: 48 |
"Mr,you're sick" lol 
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 71,822 Likes: 477
Campfire Kahuna
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Campfire Kahuna
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 71,822 Likes: 477 |
I'm cryin' here, Randy!  Had to let my wife in on what was cracking me up! Hope everything is good from your CT scan..
Molɔ̀ːn Labé Skýla!
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 15,175 Likes: 77
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 15,175 Likes: 77 |
It doesn't count if you did not make them puke.
If a man does not have a cause worth dying for , he should not be alive . Stupidity left unattended will run rampant Don't argue with stupid people, They will drag you down to their level and then win by experience
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Posts: 8,761
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 8,761 |
Jeff Foxworthy needs to know about this....he made include your experience in the comedy tour. Hell I would.
Doc
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 32,424 Likes: 145
Campfire 'Bwana
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Campfire 'Bwana
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 32,424 Likes: 145 |
Oh yes Randy!!!! Mis Stephenie will get full report!!!
Founder Ancient Order of the 1895 Winchester
"I can regard Texas as little more that Big Drunk’s big ranch."
Mirabeau B. Lamar 1847
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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 88,434 Likes: 260
Campfire Sage
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Campfire Sage
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 88,434 Likes: 260 |
Anybody can have bad farts Randy, but you could knock a buzzard off a chit wagon!
I look forward to that procedure!
If you take the time it takes, it takes less time. --Pat Parelli
American by birth; Alaskan by choice. --ironbender
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 46,299 Likes: 212
Campfire 'Bwana
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Campfire 'Bwana
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 46,299 Likes: 212 |
I've produced some eye watering, paint peeling small toots, mostly after eating a large bowl of really good, rich potato soup at the Altes Hackerhaus in Munchen.
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,185 Likes: 8
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,185 Likes: 8 |
At least they had enough brains to keep you outside!
Fall seven times, stand up eight.
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 71,822 Likes: 477
Campfire Kahuna
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Campfire Kahuna
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 71,822 Likes: 477 |
Anybody can have bad farts Randy, but you could knock a buzzard off a chit wagon!
I look forward to that procedure! Been there, and done that! Only I was in ICU after a heart procedure, and didn't have pickup windows to roll down...  And the ICU I was in was open, for cryin' out loud... There were like 8 beds in there, and usually all the curtains were open. No bathroom. No shower... After day 4, I was pretty rank and told one of the nurses I was fixing to abscond or have a shower, one way or the other. They relented and sent the fattest nurse I ever saw over with a little sponge bath cart.  Of course she asked if I needed help. "Umm... I think I can manage, but thank you anyway, Ma'am." 
Molɔ̀ːn Labé Skýla!
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,530 Likes: 3
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,530 Likes: 3 |
Thanks for my laugh of the day.
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 61,874 Likes: 380
Campfire Kahuna
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Campfire Kahuna
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 61,874 Likes: 380 |
Lmao Randy,
A little advice from the great north for you, Don't do that when wearing a pair of overalls or when showering.........don't ask.
Paul
"I'd rather see a sermon than hear a sermon".... D.A.D.
“A lot changes once you get shot in the face.”.............Donald Trump Jr.
molɔ̀ːn labé skýla
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 32,424 Likes: 145
Campfire 'Bwana
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Campfire 'Bwana
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 32,424 Likes: 145 |
Sometime I'll tell you about the coworker deer hunting and the hood of his cardhart overalls.
Founder Ancient Order of the 1895 Winchester
"I can regard Texas as little more that Big Drunk’s big ranch."
Mirabeau B. Lamar 1847
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Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 8,109
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 8,109 |
ROFLMAO. 
An unemployed Jester, is nobody's Fool.
the only real difference between a good tracker and a bad tracker, is observation. all the same data is present for both. The rest, is understanding what you're seeing.
~Molɔ̀ːn Labé Skýla~
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 49,015 Likes: 193
Campfire 'Bwana
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Campfire 'Bwana
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 49,015 Likes: 193 |
God bless Texas----------------------- Old 300 I will remain what i am until the day I die- A HUNTER......Sitting Bull Its not how you pick the booger.. but where you put it !! Roger V Hunter
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 17,958 Likes: 150
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 17,958 Likes: 150 |
LMAO.
I know exactly what you're talking about with that drink except the stuff I had to drink was faux orange. That stuff will gag a maggot. The instructions said put it in the fridge and it wouldn't be so bad. Horse hockey!
I was pretty pissed when I got there and the tech said I had to drink ANOTHER ONE. She said that if they told folks they'd have to drink another when they got there, that they might not show up.
NRA Life,Endowment,Patron or Benefactor since '72.
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Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,059 Likes: 7 |
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Posts: 9,511 Likes: 19
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 9,511 Likes: 19 |
I am glad that I am not the only one that believes farts prove that god has a sense of humor. I picked up my wife at the airport yesterday and got in the elevator to our parking level and the stench was worse than an open grave. A woman said someone left us a gift, and the whole group started laughing.
A favorite memory is getting each of my kids and grandkids to"Pull My Finger"
I was at the Crazy Horse place near Mt. Rushmore w/ a grandson who said loudly "don't pull his finger". My wife and DIL were embarrassed, my son and I were proud.
Farts are nature's way of keeping us humble.
mike r
Don't wish it were easier Wish you were better
Stab them in the taint, you can't put a tourniquet on that. Craig Douglas ECQC
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Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 104,343 Likes: 326
Campfire Savant
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Campfire Savant
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 104,343 Likes: 326 |
Those gals got what they deserved. Every time an old fart does something unusual females automatically think the old fart is crazy and they have to stick their nose in it.
Wait a week and do it again and they will do the same all over. I can hear it now, "What are you doing out here This Time? "
Last edited by jaguartx; 08/11/17.
Ecc 10:2 The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but that of a fool to the left.
A Nation which leaves God behind is soon left behind.
"The Lord never asked anyone to be a tax collector, lowyer, or Redskins fan".
I Dindo Nuffin
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,830 Likes: 5
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,830 Likes: 5 |
Sounds like paint peeler farts.
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 27,091
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 27,091 |
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 16,543 Likes: 160
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 16,543 Likes: 160 |
not interested in the smell of your farts.
Disgusting
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Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 71,030 Likes: 349
Campfire Kahuna
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Campfire Kahuna
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 71,030 Likes: 349 |
Dammit I was 10ft behind this old piss bagger at walgreens pharmacy. He smelled like sour milk and cat whizz. And when he left, his funk was STILL there for several minutes.
Any you old dudes, need to be mindful if youre peeing all over yourself, for God's sake and everyone else, take a bath and change/wash your dang clothes more than just once a month.
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 61,874 Likes: 380
Campfire Kahuna
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Campfire Kahuna
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 61,874 Likes: 380 |
Paul
"I'd rather see a sermon than hear a sermon".... D.A.D.
“A lot changes once you get shot in the face.”.............Donald Trump Jr.
molɔ̀ːn labé skýla
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Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 13,907 Likes: 31
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 13,907 Likes: 31 |
I needed this laugh...should have read this yesterday. Thanks!
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 6,496 Likes: 14
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 6,496 Likes: 14 |
Lmao Randy,
A little advice from the great north for you, Don't do that when wearing a pair of overalls or when showering.........don't ask. Our FD turnout pants having a vapor barrier seemed like they could trap farts for hours. It was when you lowered the pants that the stench would release.
Fight fire, save lives, laugh in the face of danger.
Stupid always finds a way.
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 34,013 Likes: 125
Campfire 'Bwana
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Campfire 'Bwana
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 34,013 Likes: 125 |
All this science. You might think they could make a fart drink taste good, it nooooo!
The only true cost of having a dog is its death.
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 71,822 Likes: 477
Campfire Kahuna
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Campfire Kahuna
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 71,822 Likes: 477 |
not interested in the smell of your farts.
Disgusting Lighten up Simon... 
Molɔ̀ːn Labé Skýla!
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 76,511 Likes: 312
Campfire Sage
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Campfire Sage
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 76,511 Likes: 312 |
That was some funny chitt!
"Allways speak the truth and you will never have to remember what you said before..." Sam Houston Texans, "We say Grace, We Say Mam, If You Don't Like it, We Don't Give a Damn!"
~Molɔ̀ːn Labé Skýla~
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 27,091
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 27,091 |
It was funny but disgusting too.
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