Two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Broad as it is long.

The blooming thing.

Six of one, and a half dozen of the other.

Bob's your uncle.

More?

Skicker'n snot on a door knob.

Half a bubble out of plumb.

This coffee's strong enough to float a horseshoe.

Like gas through a funnel.

Quicker than you can say, Jack Robertson.

It's a horse a piece (six of one and a half dozen of the other in WI)

That's racist (been hearing this a lot lately)

Horse of a different color.

Sit down and shut up!

Get with the program.

Straighten up, and fly right.

You did WHAT ??

Mad as a cat on a hot tin roof.

Busier than a one arm paper hanger with the hives.

Fast as greased lighting.

Dumber than a bag of rocks.

Ugly as a bar of homemade soap.

Gag a maggot on a gut wagon.

Guts of a blind bugler.

If you punched him in the nose you’d break his finger.

Yo mama so fat, she got baptized at Sea World

I bet her spit bounces.

Shaking like a queer tryin to eat a corn dog in front of his old man.

Raining cats, and dogs. Raining pitchforks, and hammer handles.

Slicker than goose [bleep] ,through a tin horn

wabigoon is mentally retarded.

Horny as a three peckered billy goat

Always been one of my favorites.

Was intended for Ted Cruz.

Two cans short of a 6-pack.

Slicker than chitt through a goose.

Useless as tits on a boar. “Boar hog” is redundant.

So dumb, if he fell on his face - he'd eat grass.

Knock a buzzard off a schitt pile.

Lazy as a pet 'coon.

More fun than a whole barrel full of monkeys.

You can’t say Coon anymore!!!!

If we had some ham , we’d have some ham and eggs , if we had some eggs

Missed him an inch , might as well missed him a mile

Dumber that a soup sandwich

Knock your dick in your watch pocket

Pushing a rope up a hill

Your gonna get yourself two blocked

Hotter than fresh fugcked fox in a forest fire

It’s only hot if you think it’s hot

Anything I can do to make it worse ?
A favorite of mine when training newbies and they’re sweating the small stuff

It's not the heat, it's the humidly. It's close today.

When my wife was trying to convince me to move to Vegas:
"...but it's a dry heat."

Pull hard , it’ll come easy
Another favorite when a newbie is straining his ass off

To paraphrase Kenneth66,

Gentlemen, we got us a here real chicken noodle hoagie!

How long is this going to take ?

Close, but no cigar.

Horse Feathers. Dad said that.

For some reason I have been saying monkey-ass-son-of-a-bitch lately.

You're full of prunes.

You're full of applesauce.

Slicker than grease on glass


When we were working calves a while back, the last one got out....as he made his escape, I said " Ain't that some hocus pocus "

My boys got a kick out of it.... And have used it a couple times since.
Lol


Useless as a screen door on a submarine

Reach on it.

get aroundtuit.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades

Good enough for government work

Steeper than a cows face.

What's time to a cow?

Slicker than ....

Ain't seen that in a coon's age

Like a bump on a log..

Bright as a small appliance bulb
deader than a doornail
dumb as a bag of rocks
a real Einstein
cheaper than a two-bit whore
smells like a French whore
niigger riggin (I never heard Jerry Riggin growing up, knew better in College so said Jigger Riggin and caught hell for it. LOL)
a real Wurletser (spelling, the piano, a good item, the real deal, but maybe sarcastic, unlike the real McCoy)
what a Meseirschmit (spelling, mess of chit)

“Little Eddie ifin you don’t stop that Imma gonna smack you so hard you’ll starve to death abouncing.”

“You and me be Kin little Eddie—Long as I got a biscuit you entitled to half.”

There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

Sayings of insomnia.....

Tastes like chicken
late to the game
early for the show
all go and no show
hotter than Hell's kitchen
up for all day
Hell in a handbasket
hitting the sack
fuucked in the head
I'd trade my left nut
I'll learn you
I'll be go to hell
fresh out of give a chit
I'll be a monkey's uncle
I'll be a son of a bitch
rat nest son of a bitch
busier than a whorehouse
stinks like a hippy
long-haired sack of chit
hairier than a damned hippy chick
fast as a raped ape, going like a raped ape, apparently apes are real fast post-rape
better than a big breasted bed thrasher (dad's saying again, as most of these are)
Or if there's a reason for birds to be involved, Red-Headed bed thrasher
drop dead gorgeous
built like a brick chit house
fun as watching paint dry
Why don't you kids go out and play in the street
I'll tell you what's for!
Hung like a horse
....hit a barn door
wider than a barn door, aka fat-assed woman
... switch your britches!
walk of shame
slicker than greased lightning
better than sliced bread
uglier than sin
monkey see monkey do
fat as a heifer
homely as hell
.... as all get out






Heck, people say a lot of things. LOL


Nap time.
Gotta hit the hay.
Good night, don't let the bed bugs bite.
Sweet dreams,
up and at'em,
down for the count.
Around and around we go.
Win some loose some.
About all I can stand.
Slicker than a tin roof.
Busy as a bee.
I gotta piss like a race horse.
Of for fuuck's sake.
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Damndest thing I ever saw...
Wouldn't believe it if you seen it with your own eyes.
Holy macaroni!
Bound up tighter than the Virgin Mary.
Oh Jesus long-haired Christ.
Make it up as you go.
all stove up
bent out of shape
looser than a goose
cock-blocked
cock in a wringer
give it all you got
in it to win it'
drive it like you stole it
drive it like it's yours
run the piss outa it
beat the livin Jesus out of it
put away wet
ain't that the truth
that ain't no chit
say what's on you mind
just spit it out
come clean
'get on with it
what the fuuck
good God damn and the discphiles
running your mouth
talking trash
talking out your ass
in the heat of the moment
dark of the night
light of the moon

That boy is stupider than stump water!

Me, as a little kid: what's that you've got?

My grandad: kit fur to make kitten britches.

My grandad often said "if you can't eat it or f*** it, you sh*t on it or break it. Petcoon!"

Other things he said:

Sh*t fire to save matches!

You got a beer income and a champagne appetite.

Ain't got sense enough to pour piss out of a boot.

Sorry shi*ass!

Wish I'd written it all down. Been gone since '93.

"your mouth goes like a whippoorwills ass"

The real Mcoy.

Grandpa's , he was born in 1896, died at 96 years young . Hot winds, Bare limbs, and No nuts and how sweet it is wish I could remember have of his stuff, he was the last of the old six gun cowboys !

Worthless as lug nuts on a birthday cake.

Hold my beer........
It would be easier to nail jello to the wall
Older than a pile of white dog crap
Keep your dick tongs off of my stuff

"Life is hard by the yard but a cinch by the inch."

"No skin off my nose."

"Hotter than a forged hammer in Hell."

"It ain't the biggest dog in the fight, it's the biggest fight in the dog."

"Disagreeing with that guy is like going out into the pasture and arguing with a stump."

"It don't make me no nevermind."

"I'd liefer kiss a dog's ass than kiss that girl."

"I'd liefer eat a plate of barbed wire than eat her cookin'."

That gal's two axe handles across in the rear end."

"That gal's so ugly her momma had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dogs to play with her."



L.W.

It's a mute point.

I could care less.

I seen it.

I've posted this before:

Idiotic Leftist Terms

For quite a while now, Leftists/Marxists/Globalists/Progressives/Democrats/Socialists and Commies have made a concerted effort to pervert the English language in an effort to advance their anti-American agenda. They accomplish this by either attempting to soften the language (i.e. "Democratic Socialism") or by creating incredibly nasty terms which they then apply to Conservatives and Conservative Thought.

I've thought about this for some time now, and below is a list of all the terms I can think of that have been utilized by these Marxists. Most of these terms are in daily use by the Mainstream Media. I find these terms incredibly irritating and whenever I hear one, I can't help but think that the Leftist using the term(s) is not intelligent enough to make a convincing argument on their own - without resorting to the use of these idiotic terms. Such tactics are lazy and bereft of critical thought.

Please add any other terms that I may have overlooked.

Loathsome Liberal Terms:

Assault Rifle
Assault weapons
Batshit Crazy
Behavior Modification
Carbon Emissions
Check Your Privilege
Climate Change
Common Sense Gun Control
Cop-Killer Bullets
Cultural Appropriation
Cultural Proficiency
Democratic Socialism
Disenfranchised
Diversity Inclusion
Diversity is Strength
Dog Whistle
Earnings Inequality
Economic Justice
Equality
Fart Rape
Fixed Income
Full Semi-Auto
Gas Lighting
Gender Diversity
Gender Reassignment
Global Community
Global Warming
Green Energy
Gun Reform
Gun Violence
Hate Crimes
Hate Speech
Inclusion
Income Inequality
Intersectional
It Takes a Village
LGBTQRP+P
Marginalized Groups
Meatless Burger
Micro Aggression
Migrant
New Normal, The
Nothing Burger
Outcome-Based Education
Racial Equality
Racist
Raping the Earth
Residentially Challenged
Revenue Neutral
Safe Space
Shovel Ready
Social Darwinism
Social Justice
Social Responsibility
Suboptimal Outcome
Sustainable Development
Sustainable Economy
Therapy Animal
Tolerance
Trans-Feminist
Trigger
Violence Prevention
Virtue Signaling
Wealth Concentration
Wealth Redistribution
White Hispanic
White Privilege
Women's Health Choices
Working Families

Other Highly Irritating Terms:

Having Said That
Low Hanging Fruit

Hotter'n blue blazes

Colder than a witch's tit

Well paint me green and call me Gumby!

One I always heard while getting whacked for screwing up as a kid

"How do you like them apples"

"Well turn my schitt a different color"

Hotter than the devils cum

Worthless as tits on a rain barrel.

And when dad didn't know the answer to one of my questions - that's for little boys like you to ask questions.

Boar bear. 😉

I’ll kick your ass.

I’ll hit you so hard, when you wake up it’ll be next week.

I’ll hit you so hard you’ll see stars.

(holding out two fists) this one is six months in the hospital; this one is instant death - take your pick.

You’re going to look silly picking yourself up off the floor.

For someone who can’t find something:
If it was up your ass you’d know where it was.

Big enough to eat hay and schit in the road.

Smart as a horse and hung like Einstein.

It had to be the last place I looked.

It was here yeterday.

Tossing the last bale: that’s the one we been lookin fer!

Seeing a vehicle in the ditch: that’s a funny place to park!

He’s all hat and no cattle.

colder than a tin toilet in an igloo

axle deep to a ferris wheel

azzhole deep to a tall giraffe

dumber than a butter bar [2nd Lt.]

You'll do pushups 'till I get tired

point man in a circle jerk

take these cuffs off and I'll kick your azz

are you on parole or probation

This is like teaching a room full of mongoloids to whistle


mike r

Whatever it takes to get the coon.
Boy howdy
For Pete's sake

Otherwise nice car in a salvage yard with front end damage.

Low miles, but that last mile was a hard one.

You're barking up the wrong tree.

He’s got more guts than you can hang on a fence.

If you take the time it takes, it takes less time.

If you have a problem with everyone, everyone’s probably not the problem.

Strong like bull, smart like tractor

You can't polish a turd

(When given a ridiculous or impossible task) I know, I know you want me to pick up the turd by the clean end

Stole my sigline, ya did! 😁

"It will feel better when it stops hurting."

Bruce

You would Argue with a sign post and take the wrong road

Higher than giraffe nuts

That boy ain’t right

Higher than a cat's back.

My own, Colder than a banker's heart. About 1985, farm crisis days.

Don't think I've seen this one posted yet. And goes along the same lines of yours.

Like my other one, heard frequently while getting whacked for doing something "wrong" when I was a kid:

"This hurts me as much as it does you, but I still have to do it"

Colder than a well digger's ass in January.

Drunker 'n Cooter Brown.

Ugly as a mud fence.

Fell out the top of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Writin' checks with your mouth that your asshole can't cash.

Hotter 'n the hinges of Hades.

Ain't what you want that makes you fat, it's what you get.

You make my old ass tired.

He's so tight George Washington blinks when he takes a dollar bill outa his wallet.

Want in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one fills up first.

He's the kinda fellow who'll piss in your pocket while whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

That’s what Bill Clinton said when a news person ask him how Jesica Flowers Compared to Monica Lowinski !

I’m gonna hit you so hard, you gonna hum like a 6 penny Finnish nail hit with a greasy ball peen hammer!!!

Gennifer Flowers.

I'll cut you so fast you won't even bleed to death until next week.

I'll kick your ass so hard you'll have to take your shirt off to take a dump.

Hotter n a freshly fugged fox in a forest fire

Busier than a one legged man in an azz kickin contest

Moot.

You smell good, what’s that you got on?
A hard but I didn’t know that you could smell it.

Where is it?
If it was up your ass, you’d know.

Are we there yet?

I can roller skate in a buffalo herd.

An uncle that used to carry small pocket knife , "don't cut wide or deep , just continously"
He was a character .
Kenneth

Can’t stand on your feet all day and your dick all night.

The women in the community around the factories knew the ‘Manville Man’

If you're so smart, why aren't rich?

Scared me out of a year's growth.

A crow s-h=it him on a fence post.

It's not about how you look.

It's about how you see.

Not enough room to swing a cat.

Smarter than a tree full of owls.

F##k a [bleep] baby running

'Get Lost!'

I hear that a lot.

Cady bar the door.

Hurry up, you're a dime holding up a dollar.

Slicker than a ministers prick in an old cat's ass.

Colder than a witches tit in January.

colder than a witches tit in a brass bra

Wish in one hand, [bleep] in the other see which one fills up first.

I'm off like a herd of turtles

That deal is a barrel of fish hooks

Slicker'n owl [bleep]

Hell's bells...

One time, in band camp

If I was twenty years younger.

Dumber than a box of rocks

A fellow moved out of the state, and raised the average IQ, of both states.

As they say in San Francisco, lesbian our way.

Cotton pickin'

Bless your peapickin' heart.

I'd hit it!

Plain as rat turds in a sugar bowl.
Grinning like a opossum eating razor blades.
Sharp as a bowling ball.

Wish (or want) in one hand and crap in the other and see which fills first!

Colder than a witches tit on Halloween

Couldn't push a sick whore off a piss pot

The crawdad don't skitter far from the creek. (Similar to apple don't fall far from the tree)

Couldn't power a piss ants go cart around a cheerio

Her legs go all the way to her ass

If she had as many sticking out of her as she had stuck in her she'd be a porcupine.

Give you the world with a fence around it, and you'd bitch because there ain't a gate.

You'd bitch if they hung you with a new rope.

Smoke em' if ya got em".

My Dad used to say "Hotter than a whore's dream." and "Colder than a well digger's azz in the Yukon."

That's the sorriest SOB that ever sh-t behind a pair of shoes!

It's colder than reindeer ball's!!!

That girl is uglier than a pimple on a gorilla's ass

Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch coming down.
A fartin' horse never tires and a fartin' man's the one to hire. (Another of my Dad's quotes.)

I must depart now for there they go and I am their leader.

Having him along is like losing two good men.

Talking to someone that is an idiot "did your parents ever have a kid that lived?"

I stan Trump!

my old man used to say "you'd complain with a loaf of bread under each arm". i think it was a depression reference.

Dumber than a hundred head of sheep.

My mama used to say, “you’re wishing your life away”.

Now I WISH I could hear her say it one more time so I could tell her I’ll try to be present in the moment and enjoy the present more.

She was right.

You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do.

My dad used to warn me against that.

Tighter than dick’s hatband

Clarification: Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades and nuclear weapons

Good enough for the girls I go out with....

'We don't smoke, and we don't chew, and we don't go out with the girls that do."

You stepped in what?

Like herding cats

S hit a brick

Your back don't hurt you ain't old enough to have a back!

I'm as old as my hair and a little older than my teeth ( my gramps used to say that when people asked him how old he was)

"If she smokes, she pokes."

When answering yes to a question👇🏻
"Is a frogs ass water tight?"

Gonna hit ya so hard.... you gonna have to unbutton yor britches to see where ya going!

Slick as putting socks on a rooster!

Does a bear chit in the woods? (for a yes answer)

Rich as 4' up a bulls butt

He's gone to crawfishing (backing out of what one said)

Dad would say, “older than I’ve ever been”!

And when asked the time, later than it’s ever been.

You'll be a man yet, before your mother.