I could use a little advice regarding the old man. I know many of you have dealt with similar situations so I thought I would illicit the collective opinions of my fellow ‘fire members and friends here.
For years and years now – a decade or more - my father has been extremely difficult to deal with. He is verbally abusive to my mother and though he has never struck her, it’s a wonder she never left him. His verbal abuse and yelling are almost constant and he is chock full of vitriol. I’m currently visiting the folks and the other night there was yet another yelling battle where he repeated yelling each of three inane statements approximately 23 times. Over and over and over. It was sad to see and hear. My mother has been an absolute saint dealing with it all and she’s very sharp, but she resents the fact that she hasn’t had much of a life in many years due to Dad’s difficulties.
Dad still has most of his facilities, but several years ago he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, which he refuses to acknowledge and for which he will not take medication. When visiting the doctors, he is on his very best behavior, so the doctors somewhat support his contention, but he regresses extremely quickly once out the door. In recent years he has gotten worse in terms of his decision-making ability – especially financial decisions. His one-tracked mindedness (no matter how asinine his ideas), his verbal abuse to my mother, his physical condition, his slumped-over posture and his failure to hear (which he denies) as well as his ability to track conversations and make associations during a conversation have all worsened. The other day I turned on the TV in the kitchen and nearly had my eardrums blown out – he had the TV cranked up to 72! He’s constantly got Fox News running with the volume cranked, which is hard to deal with. I can only hear about the Delta Variant, Critical Race Theory and that total jackass Hidden Biden so much before I start going mad myself. He waffles back-and-forth with any and every decision to the point where it has become preposterous. Mom can’t really make any decision without Dad flying off the handle. His decisions are almost always wrong (in my opinion) and end up costing 3 times as much as it would have cost if he made a correct decision – which has been a decades-long issue, but has also gotten worse. Additionally, he probably shouldn’t be driving any longer for a variety of reasons.
Then there's the fact that he can also be the sweetest and most generous and genuine man you can imagine.
My brother and I are at a loss as to what to do about the situation. Mom wants to put him in a home, but I can only imagine what a total nightmare that would be. Brother wants to get an attorney involved and transfer power of attorney to Mom. I strongly suspect he eventually wants to pass at home, and who could blame him for that, but his erratic and mean behavior make that difficult for Mom. I know it’s extremely difficult and hurtful for older men to hear any of this from their family, but the time has come and something needs to be done.
So how do I approach this situation as the eldest son as delicately as possible without hurting him and his pride and what is the best course of action?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Last edited by High_Noon; 07/22/21.
