Is your Dad this mean, when it’s just you and him??
I’m not trying to defend him, just trying to identify if it’s really just “him”, or a combination of a contankerous old fart who just wants to be left alone and watch some TV, a diminishing ability to button his lip, and a woman who thinks they’re 20 years younger, and has a never-ending list of “honey-do’s” and nags that don’t stop for a guy who is just plain worn out, and doesn’t care about the “little things” (housekeeping/etc) in his last few years.
With that out of the way, if it is just HIM, and he really is “exploding” all the time on your mother without reason/provocation, then it IS time to have a sit down with your Mom and other siblings, and determine how much more she can tolerate. From there, it’s either medication, or time to go to a care facility. A home health nurse can help in the interim, and their documentation of “bad behavior” might even help, if he’s putting on an “act” when at the Doc’s office.
It’s sad, but there’s only so much you or your Mom can do, and making her miserable/possibly endangering her with him around needs to be avoided. It also lets your Mom have “good” memories of your Father, rather than looking back on the last years of his life as an abusive nightmare, and seeing him at his worst, day in and day out, for the next 1/2/3 years..
In the meantime, give her some breaks. Take her home with you or she can stay with one of your siblings for a few days, here and there. Stock their pantry, for Dad, and tell him you’ll have some food delivered to him for a big dinner. Can he handle a few days on his own??
