Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire The Old Man - Advice Needed

Thanks to you all for your suggestions. I appreciate that many of you shared your experiences, many of which I found insightful.

I may have given a wrong impression as far as his mental capacity is concerned. He is still mostly all there and is largely still the Father he always has been, though he thinking methodology remains a complete mystery to me, as it has always been. My father does indeed exhibit the poor behavior I outlined in my initial post, but he does not have dementia nor is he mentally ill or incompetent – but that’s a judgement call on my part. Yes, I and my family are witnessing his mental decline; however, his argumentative behavior, yelling and verbal abuse towards my mother is nothing new - it's been going on most of my life, but it has definitely gotten worse over the last several years, as have all of the symptoms I mentioned. I don't believe he is yet ready for an assisted memory care living facility, though some in-home care a few times a week would certainly help Mom. The family is certainly getting closer to needing an involuntary conservatorship or revoking his power of attorney, which as executor, would fall to me.

As far as mini-strokes are concerned, we have seen no evidence of such. He sees the doctors on a regular basis and they have not expressed any concerns regarding mini strokes, nor is there a family history of such. Both my folks are under stress and it’s difficult to assess which parent is suffering the most, but I imagine Mom has it pretty tough dealing with him. Giving her some time off is a good idea.

Yes, he is sick and not in his historically “right” mind, but as I stated I don’t think an assisted care facility is the answer at this point. Visiting the folks as I am, I’m sure I don’t see the full picture, but I believe I get a pretty danged good picture of what’s going on here. I don’t believe it gets much worse when I’m gone. I did lay down the law with him before my young daughter arrived here to join me for 11 days. He tried to walk away from me saying he didn’t want to hear it when I told him I wasn’t going to tolerate his nasty and mean behavior when she was here. He heard me and for the most part limited the yelling and nastiness while she was here, so he is capable of modifying his behavior. He needs to be conscious of it though. It occurred to me that many or even most times he doesn’t even realize he doing it – being so obstinate – it’s like it has become second nature for him to act that way.

As several have stated, having a come to Jesus conversation with him will likely accomplish very little to nothing. I’ve had several such conversations with him in the past and they accomplished nothing and usually resulted in a yelling match between us. A rational, calm conversation with him regarding his behavior is virtually impossible, but can be done on rare occasions.

Regarding medication, he’s on several, but stopped his Parkinson’s meds.

Seafire: Jon, your post is almost spot-on and the only one which considers his perspective. Many of your comments are true and I know from personal experience how difficult it is to accept the fact that I cannot do many of the things I was able to do in my youth – before my back problems. I know this has been very difficult for Dad as well. I do compliment him when deserved, which seems to be less and less with the passing of years, but I know he appreciates it when I do. More often, though, his decisions make things more difficult to handle and create almost insurmountable and sometimes expensive problems – and many times he knows it, which fuels his temper as you stated. Your simple solutions are good ideas and I have, to some extent, done most of them, and yes, they do help, but only for a short while, but not for any meaningful length of time. We may not show it on a daily basis, but he knows we love him and do show it periodically. Thanks for your insightful post.

Before I posted this thread, I really didn’t know the answer, and I still don’t know, but based on everyone’s comments, I am formulating a plan. We will start a log and perhaps begin to compile recordings. At the very least a consult with an attorney is in order so that we will be prepared when the final straw falls.

I do speak with Mom often and I will continue to do so. I will also continue to discuss the issue with her and my brother, since he is on the front lines, so to speak.

fburgtx: No, he is not this mean when it’s just the two of us, but he can be. He usually refrains because he knows I won’t tolerate it. Mom is easier to push around, no matter her threats. She’s just a little old lady, but she can definitely call up the ferocity when needed.

Yes, she does have a lengthy list and she’s an accomplished nagger, but that’s largely due to the fact that we were hit by the tornado on 10/20/19 and Dad can’t make a fuggin’ decision on any of it and when he does, it’s often, but not always, the wrong or a bad decision. Prior to the tornado it took him nearly 2 years to decide on a fuggin’ garage door! I don’t believe she is in any physical danger, though. She has to nag him though, if she didn’t, he would have died from Diabetes long ago.


Yup. My exact experience with Dad.

Thanks again for everyone’s comments, suggestions, advice and well-wishes.