Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire What's the hardest thing you've ever done?

I was really close to my grandpa, he was my best friend, mentor….everything to me. I have great parents but dad wasn’t an outdoorsman so grandpa indulged this young boy. For most of my life they lived next door so I practically lived there. Years later they sold their house and moved to Apache Junction Arizona but about 8 months after moving to Arizona I see grandpa’s truck coming up our private road. I ran out so excited for this impromptu visit but my excitement turned to over-the-moon happiness. I asked them how long they were going to be here when grandma said the words I’ll never forget…” I can’t listen to your grandfather cry himself to sleep every night anymore so we’re here to stay”. Grandpa replied rather tersely (totally out of character for him) to grandma…”what the hell good is life if you can’t be with the ones you love. I love Arizona and the weather but I love you so so much more buddy, I’m sorry we ever left”. As the years went by I would go to grandma and grandpa’s house several times a week to have lunch, help with projects and to just spend time with grandpa and grandma.

One sunny February day in 1994 I had called grandpa to tell him that I wouldn’t be coming to lunch tomorrow since I was taking my little sister and my buddy from England down to the Edmonds waterfront for lunch but I would be there the following day. Just after lunch I got a call that grandpa had collapsed carrying groceries in the house. Grandma said that grandpa was in such a great mood all day laughing and joking with her, he was looking forward to the leg of lamb grandma was going to cook. Grandpa had a triple bypass in 1977 and was born with an enlarged heart so cardiac issues were always present. That afternoon grandpa suffered a massive MI and was down without oxygen for several minutes before a neighbor lady that was a nurse started CPR. The medics got there and got a rhythm back BUT grandpa had a DNR so he was admitted but not “supported”. I walked into the room and saw grandpa lying on a cold metal table. His breathing was shallow and he was extremely diaphoretic with the sweat pooling in his eyes and running down his face like tears. It was getting late and everyone was heading home after a long and stressful, emotional day. I told everyone that I’m NOT leaving grandpa alone…no way in hell I would leave grandpa, if it was me on that table you can be damn sure that grandpa would NEVER leave my side and I damn sure wasn’t leaving his! I spent all night drying his face and telling him how much I loved him. I told him stories of our times spent fishing, hunting, our Boyscout camping trips and the 10’s of thousands of miles we spent traveling across the country on our summer vacations. The family all started filtering in and promised me they’d stay by his side until I got back to the hospital. I told grandpa, as I kissed his forehead, that he can let go and go to heaven, that we love him but we understand that if it’s time it’s ok to let go. I ran home to shower and change real quick but it wasn’t long after I left the room that grandpa passed. I got home and saw the flashing light on my answering machine…grandpa let go when I walked out…

For years I carried the guilt that had I been there that afternoon I would’ve started CPR immediately and he would’ve had a chance. To a lesser extent I felt like grandpa was holding on for me and only stopped when I left.

For many years that was THE hardest thing I could ever imagine…and then I got older and life decided to show me that what I went through was nothing compared to what others are going through and some of that I’d be going through in the years to come. Grandpa had a good life and while 74 is too young considering that grandpa smoked since he was 8 he was doing pretty good. It’s the deaths and serious afflictions of the young and healthy that brought things into focus for me.

I’ll see grandpa again someday and I can’t wait….I will wait but it’s going to be a glorious reunion one day.