This is difficult so bear with me. I have always thoroughly enjoyed this forum. We all come from many walks of life but have appreciated input from others even when maybe we didn't agree. I read much more than I post as some of the responses on here can be scathing. The outdoors has always been a way of life for me to cope with whatever had me on the fence. I introduced the kids to the outdoors and they loved to hunt with me as well as ride 4-wheelers, fish, hike, camp, etc.
My 15-year old son was the core of my happiness as well as my daughter who is younger than him. I've always done things for the family as opposed to chasing a career and putting family aside. We had purchased a farm a couple years ago so that my wife and I could enjoy the outdoors with the kids and have a place just to get away from city life and a corporate job. However, my son had been battling depression for the past year. We did everything a parent knew to do at the time. When COVID came about, we took off to the farm and I worked remotely there as the offices were closed and we were just trying to stay safe. This was both a blessing and a curse for us as we'd later find out.
Fast forward to late May as this was when my world turned upside down. My son had been telling me he was sad but couldn't articulate why. This was a theme that was coming up every few months. I had a pep talk with him that evening telling him how much I loved him and how we'll get through the tough times. Little did I know how deep the message was that he was telling me. He was also telling me that kids were messing with him on social media. I didn't understand at the time to what degree as he minimized issues bothering him and wouldn't open up to his mother and I. Later that evening, my 15 year old son took his own life in front of me in the yard of the farm while I begged him not to do that.
I cannot begin to tell you the stages of grief I have and am going through. The images of that night and the OODA loop have cycled in my mind a billion+ times. I'm so lost and empty without my main man as I called him. Everything I've done was based around having a boy and a girl as a child. He has taken all enjoyment from me including hunting and shooting as well as the labor of love of the farm. My daughter won't open up and was there that night but was on the back side of the house when it occurred. She saw her brother laying there by the driveway when the in-laws came up and ushered her out of there. No words can express the heartache and emptiness I feel. It's hard for me to think that I will have to endure this the rest of my life. So many could of, should of, would of going through my head. Counselors have expressed not to feel guilt....I understand it was his decision but my job as a Dad was to protect him and I failed.
I bring all of this up as it seems like daily, I'm reading about suicides in the news...My son was absolutely cyber-bullied by two individuals (minors) for months. One kid told him the Friday before exactly what my son should do to end his life and my son followed it to a tee.....The kid continued on berating him online even after his death. He knew he was dead based on what other kids in the community posted online. Have we risen this low in society that this is the new normal?
For those of you that have lost loves one to suicide, I feel your pain and know what you're going through. It's hard to understand unless you've been here which I didn't in the past. For those with loved ones battling depression, take what they say seriously and understand what you think/feel is at a healthy rational level and they are not at the same place as you. I didn't understand that until it was too late. I thought telling him I was there and loved him would help him through it. I was ignorant. I've read the Good Guys suicide thread and there are some uninformed posts there. It's such a complicated topic and we as humans DO NOT understand the human mind. I'll forever miss the great times with my bud and will miss so much being a father of a son.....I'm so lost.
