I used to think it was the most selfish act in the world, I said that aloud and even after my own girlfriend in college shot herself in the chest with a 12ga and I went several years thinking if I had only known the pain she had inside I might have been able to help.
She was beautiful, so sweet, soft spoken and a devastating loss to me.
Over time I came to realize the pain is real and they simply cannot stop themselves.
Its definitely a strange thing. I always thought I understood depression. I had days where I felt [bleep] and down, but it never lasted and I always told myself that tomorrow was a new day and things would look better. They usually did, too. A couple years back though, I learned that I'd had no idea what it really was, but I was gonna find out! Not going to bother with a long, detailed description of what it's like, suffice to say I understand perfectly why people do it. It can seem like the most rational and reasonable course of action. You know it will hurt some people but are positive that they will get over it pretty soon and then realize they are far better off without you around. Its quite easy to convince yourself that it's not only a reasonable course of action, but that it's the only reasonable course of action. There is no "screw all of them, I don't care" feeling that many seem to believe in. At least, not for me.
Maybe its hereditary for some people, it definitely does seem that way. I believe mine was caused mostly by diet. I was on a low carb diet and doing intermittent fasting for a couple years when it really got bad. I felt good physically, but mentally I was getting in real rough shape. One day I just admitted to myself that it was going to happen. I didn't exactly want it to, but I knew that if nothing changed, it was coming. I changed my diet a fair bit, started eating more carbs and even a bit of sugar sometimes, as well as taking more B12 and a few other vitamins. Maybe it was coincidence, but within a month or two I was pretty much back to normal, and all those darkness just kinda faded away. I wonder how many other people could really change their mental state just by changing their lifestyle and eating habits.
