Well Cisco, I have gotten a lot of sound advice from this thread. I also learned that the odds are against me for making this turn around. I have learned that I am not alone in the pain that I am feeling. I've been on this campfire longer than most and have learned that a LOT of good people are here to talk to, and listen to some wisdom. Anymore stupid questions?????
BD,
I would say it's not impossible to turn around, but IMO, here's what needs to happen first:
1. As others have said...protect yourself. Your assets. Step 1 and the most important step. Don't let your heart get in the way of protecting yourself from a woman who will TORCH you in court (SAH mom, no job, kids...you're gonna get roasted). Your parental rights with the kids. Get thee azz to a lawyer asap.
2. While you're there...FILE FOR DIVORCE. Even though you don't want it...DO IT. You have MONTHS to stop the process if it turns around, but perhaps the first, best shot at getting it to turn around is to put a shot across her bow. She has a plan. Shake that chit up. YOU start calling the shots. Get the process (and worry) of divorce in the front of her head, instead of loverboy or the new life she's fantasizing about creating for herself. It also keeps her from feeling annoyed with you for trying to "fix things" when she doesn't want that. Much better to let her feel "annoyed" with the fact that you can (and appear to be) just walking away from her so easily. It will drive her ape chit. And that is a good initial step to getting her back.
3. Find out if she's cheating. If she is, you must blow this up to have any chance at snapping her out of "the cheater's fog". Again...if you even care to reconcile at that point if this is discovered to in fact be the case.
4. Marriage counseling? Well, as another has said, he tried it with his W, and she was leaving counseling and heading right to the bed of her "next". I've seen too many times where a counseling session has nothing to do with "fixing" things for the wayward spouse, but rather just another chance to run their rationalization hamster, spout off about what a bad spouse you are, and justify their stepping out on the marriage (even though they haven't come clean with that little tidbit yet...they still need to "justify" it to themselves).
5. Don't move out of the house, but vacate the shared bedroom with her immediately.
6. Stop trying to get her back. She doesn't want it. And you trying to make it happen is certain to do one thing and one thing only....resist your efforts. You have to make her want it by making yourself (and you as an "option" to her) very, very scarce. Take away that option now. Women are notorious for using you to wean themselves off of you, while you wallow in misery and slivers of hope. Don't let her do it to you. Start pulling away...hard...right now.
If you've done nothing to warrant this, and there is no need for you to "change", for god's sake, don't even worry about that chit. You'll drive yourself crazy, and drive her further away trying. The only "change" you need to make now is to start preparing yourself for your next life. Working out. Getting out. Ignoring her and her desires for her new life.
I'd get very absent from all aspects her life immediately, except for where the kids are concerned. Don't be there for her. Don't try to "fix" this. Her mind is made up. But it can be changed. And SHE has to have room to change it. Make her MISS YOUR AZZ. Women can hate your guts...but after a few weeks without you, begin to wonder what you're up to...begin to think about the good times and memories, and miss you. But they need the chance to actually miss you. That's not happening when you're dragging them kicking and screaming to marriage counseling or following them around like a sad, lost puppy dog.
In order to turn it around, you have to "turn it around" on her. It seems counter productive, but it's not. It may not work, but it is the best chance.
