Jeff-O, in an effort to help you find SOMETHING in the world that you are qualified to do, (that was a huge problem to overcome, believe me) I have come across a new career for you.
It won't be easy given your IQ, but even a retard squirrel finds a nut once in a while, so here's your nut.

Quick Facts About Clown Jobs
Job Title: Circus Clown
Office: Circus
Description: Entertain people and make them laugh
Certifications/Education: No formal education needed, clown school is very helpful
Necessary Skills: Stamina, energy, humor,
Potential Employers: Circuses
Pay: $38,000 per year average

Call, Clowns of America, International
P.O. Box 1171
Englewood FL 34295-1171

Toll Free: 877-816-6941
941-474-4351

Hours: Mon-Fri 9-5 EST

They also pay another $2500 a year for schit shovelers.
After your last couple days of fisting yourself with your goats and eating schit, I think you can handle this.
This will bring you income to OVER $40,000. Awesome.

P.S. I'm hoping you will take them up on this offer, so I can feel better about my tax dollars NOT being your sole source of support. I know actually having to do manual labor for a paycheck is wrong in your "Hope & Change" world, but believe it or not other people outside of Eugene, do have to be productive in order to get a paycheck and get ahead in life.
You can thank me later and good luck.

Your pal,
wageslave

Have Dog

Will Travel